


The Ghost of You

by AutumnWren32



Category: The Breakfast Club (1985)
Genre: Breakfast Club, Complete, Death, Drama, Emo, F/M, Love, Romance, Smut, the brat pack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-17
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-15 06:53:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4597056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutumnWren32/pseuds/AutumnWren32
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charlotte "Charlie" Riley returns to Shermer, IL to care for her ailing father after having been gone for the last 7 years. One day, she runs into her high school crush, Bender, and sparks fly. This takes place after the infamous detention and, while there are a number of nods to the original, this is not a "let's use the script, throw in a new character, and split up the dialogue." There is smutty smut, humor, drama, misunderstandings, and even a cameo by Robert Smith and that's pretty cool, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shermer - 1992

**Author's Note:**

> First fic on here, be gentle. This fic is actually complete; there's 10 chapters total, but I am posting the first one to see if there's an audience so lemme know if you want more! :)
> 
> Also, if you're curious, this was the look I had in mind for Bender - https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b8/6d/44/b86d44c1e752f09bc889af5184e11205.jpg

Shermer, IL – Beginning of December 1992

“You know, I’m really startin’ to get pissed off at Tom Skilling telling me it ain’t gonna snow and then it does. Like I can see the shit coming down from here!”

From his spot in the recliner, Dad could see over my shoulder outside into the front yard, which was now blanketed with a thick coating of the white stuff. Not that it is unusual here to get snow in December, but you’d hope the weatherman wouldn’t lie. It happens often enough. 

This is probably why I have trust issues. 

“I just hope the roads are ok. You know your mother. She’s a good driver,…cautious, but in the rain or snow?” He sighed before continuing, another “psst” sound from the oxygen canister at his side, “I think it’s her nerves.”

“Dad,” I said as I watched the snow continue to fall out the front window, “She’ll be alright. Like you said, she’s a cautious driver.”

“Defensive,” he corrected. “I’m more offensive. “

“Right,” I said as I directed my attention back to the news. 

I hadn’t wanted to come back here. I hadn’t been in Shermer for longer than a weekend since I graduated from high school in ’85 which was about 7 years ago, so I wasn’t too keen on having to move back home for the long haul but since Dad got sick, Ma needed the help. She isn’t like, an invalid or anything, but she’s definitely older now and not as energetic as she was a few years ago. Seeing as my sibling couldn’t possibly be bothered to move home, I was left with the task, which isn’t as bad as I’m making it out to be. True, I wouldn’t have come home for any other reason and I honestly don’t hate the idea of having to be back at home, but it’s certainly an adjustment. I’ve been here a month now and I’m still complaining about things; I really should know better, I mean, grew up here. 

Most of the people after high school seemed to stay in the area while very few of us were able to escape at the first chance. Me, I left for the West Coast, graduated Berkeley, and immediately got a job writing for a publication. I was lucky because I was able to move up and am currently the music columnist for one of the more popular magazines on the West Coast, aptly titled “Neo Maxi Zomb-Dweebie.” Stupid name, but the kids, both high school and college, eat that shit up and as long as they continue to buy it, I’ve still got a job. I’ve been able to score some really awesome stuff, like interviews with some of my favorite bands, early release stuff, concert tickets; it is a very sweet gig and considering Chicago is so close, the move hasn’t affected my job too much. 

“GODDAMMIT!” 

I heard a shout that broke my train of thought coming from the back of the house. I looked to Dad but he wasn’t startled by the sound of Ma yelling. I heard the sound of a grocery bag ripping and its contents of food tumbling to the floor.

“Probably should go help your mother,” Dad sighed and looked to me. I smirked and nodded before saying, “I’m coming.”

“IS ANYONE GONNA COME AND HELP ME? JESUS!” Considering it was just her, Dad, and I, the “anyone” in question was obviously me.

“I said I’m COMING,” I shouted back at her before sighing and reaching down to pick up the veggies and fruit that spilled out onto the back door landing. 

“Well, you know, I didn’t hear you. Acknowledge me next time,” and she walked past me up the stairs into the kitchen.

“I di-nevermind,” I grunted before gathering as much of the groceries as I could and looking up to notice the car. “Ma?” I said loudly to get her attention but as quick as lightning, she was back on the stair case “shhing” me. 

“Damn this weather!” Ma said with a chuckle clearly trying to distract my Dad from coming into the kitchen and seeing us huddled around the back door. 

“S’what I told Charlie,” Dad shouted, “Tom Skilling is a liar.” He hadn’t moved from his chair in the living room.

Ma laughed before reaching me at the bottom of the stairs and looking out at the car. “Now, don’t make a fuss.”

“Fuss?” There was a large set of scratches all along the passenger side doors on her silver Quattro in a deep black color. “Ma, what happened?”

“When I left for the store, roads weren’t bad but, by the time I left, nothing but ice. I’m surprised I made it home in one piece. You know how these people drive out here? If they aren’t sight-seeing, they’re acting like speed demons, always speeding around you as if the Devil was chasing ‘em and that’s what happened. People were driving like assholes and I slid into one of the barriers.” 

“Did you make a report or call the police?”

“No. Truth be told, the car got more damage than the damn barrier did. But, I did get to call Mike’s Auto Body, on Ridge, and he said he’ll take a look at it tomorrow. I’m gonna need you to take it in.”

“When?” I asked suspiciously. Despite the occasional running of errands, taking Dad to his doctor’s appointments,etc., my sleep schedule, surprisingly, hadn’t changed. I’ve always been a night owl, but even before I discovered my passion for writing and music, I found I always hit my creative peak at 10-10:30PM until dawn. This was in complete contrast with my other siblings who, like my mother, were day people who woke up at the ass crack of dawn. 

“AW WHAT? 9:30?” I groaned. 9:30?! Is she out of her mind? I don’t even wake up that early to go to the bathroom!

“SHH, will you keep your voice down?! Yes, 9:30 A.M. Missie. Maybe, if you had a normal schedule and slept at night, it wouldn’t be a big deal to you.” Annnd the truth comes out. I rolled my eyes at her like I was 16 again before making my way up the back stairs into the kitchen with my mother in tow. 

“Ma, you couldn’t have picked a later time,” I pleaded but Dad must’ve heard the commotion and entered the kitchen.

“Why are you shouting? What’s at 9:30?”

“Charlie has an appointment tomorrow,” Ma said as she tried her best to act casual as she began to put groceries away. 

“Yeah? Where?”

“Um, band interview at the Metro in the city. Won’t be too long though- I’ll be back before 5.”

“That’s if the weather’s ok. Skilling says it isn’t gonna snow,” and he scoffed.

“Yeah yeah, “I said as I helped him back to his chair so Ma could start dinner. “Give the guy a break, Dad. He’s been on the air for how long now?” 

“He’s battin’ 2-0 right now, so who knows what the day will bring?” Dad sat down to watch reruns while I made my way back into the kitchen.

“You owe me,” I said as I grabbed the mini-wheat box from the top of the fridge and took a seat in the chair by the phone, but I was only able to get a few pieces in my mouth before Ma snatched the box and placed it back on the fridge.

“I carried you for nine months, raised you, and gave you clothes and food and a place to live. YOU owe ME, and don’t you forget it. I made you and I’ll take you out. Now, go back in the living room. Dinner’s in 45.”

There was no use reasoning with Ma when she was like this and, honestly, the fight wasn’t worth it. As much as I didn’t want to, seems like an early start for me tomorrow. Yay. (Please tell me you can at least sense the sarcasm.)  
……  
Isn’t it fascinating when the time your brain chooses to turn on all of its thoughts is the time when it should be turning off for sleep? As I lay in bed, a flood of memories came back and I began to think over all the previous times I had slept in this bed; not just the past month, but all through my childhood and up into my teenage years. I mean, there were still posters up for bands like “Psychedelic Furs” and “The Cure,” and I had books for “required reading” still on my desk. I should probably go through stuff, I thought, and give it to goodwill or something. 

As I lay there thinking about the clothes that were now too big or not in style that still hung in my closet, I ended up falling asleep for what seemed like a moment before my alarm went off and Ma was banging on my door to get a move on. 

Waking up wasn’t so bad and, judging on the condition of the roads outside, the plows had come through during the night. They even looked decent enough to travel on without worrying about slipping around. 

“Just be careful of black ice,” Ma said in a whisper so Dad wouldn’t hear. “You take it to Mike’s and ask for John.”

“Mike’s on Ridge, ask for John, 9:30,” I yawned and waved my hand.

“Yes, and once you find out what the damage is, call me and I’ll give you the ok to use the credit card.”

“Yes Mother,” I said sarcastically as I took a final swig of my coffee and placed the mug in the sink.  
……  
Mike’s Auto Body sat on the corner of Ridge and Conkey right next to Skip’s diner, a place where my friends and I used to frequent on the weekends and when we needed a break from finals. I remember one of the last nights I was in town, I met up with Brian and we had our final coffee date. 

Wow…I hadn’t thought about Brian in years. 

Since the “Closed” sign was up in the window of the shop, I opted to park the car at the side and smoke a cigarette before the place opened. It was about 9:15, so I still had some time to kill. I used the lighter in the car to light my cigarette before stepping outside to smoke it-Ma would KILL me if she found I had been smoking in her car. As I shut the door, I looked up over the smaller shops across the street and saw it, the bane of my existence, Shermer High School.  
Like the night before, my mind began to wander as the nicotine from the cigarette filled my lungs. I thought about all of the mean and horrible things the “richies” and “jocks” used to call me; I was larger then than I am now and my family was not as financially stable. I thought about how horrible the food was back then, too. God, I hated the food there, except for the Salisbury steak, which was probably the only thing edible there.

I remembered my friends, the few I had, and thought of Brian again. Last I remembered, Brian Johnson, who had graduated with me, got a full ride to MIT so I can only assume that he is a super smart buh-gillionaire with a Barbie doll wife and a mansion and honestly, good for him because he deserves all the nice things life has to offer. Same with Allison. 

Allison Reynolds was a year older than I was, but she was such a good friend and an amazing artist. I know she had said something about wanting to go to Columbia but with Andy wanting to stay in Shermer and do community college, maybe she stayed in the area afterwards? I wonder if she and Andy were even still together. They weren’t really showy with their relationship despite the fact that everyone knew they were dating. I really hope they made it work. Jesus, I haven’t thought about them in forever. 

I suddenly had a wave of anxiety rush over me and settle in my stomach at the thought of running into someone I went to high school with. I suppose it depended on the person, but in my case, the bad outweighed the good a great deal. Depending on the experience you had in high school, you either cherished it or hid it away and I chose the latter.

I looked down at my watch and, realizing it was now 9:35, I threw my cigarette onto the frozen ground and stepped it out before making my way into the shop.

There wasn’t too much to the place. When you walked in, the first thing you saw was an ugly mustard yellow desk with a deep brown countertop. If you were to look past that, you’d see the service window that allowed you to look into the garage. I could see people moving around, but no one really saw me. This was when I saw the singular bell with a hand written sign that said, “Please ring bell for service. Thanks!” 

Next to the desk was a door that led directly into the garage. In the corner, behind the door, sat a TV and, next to that, a table with a coffee pot and things like creamer, sugar, and cups. The smell permeated the little room which made my mouth water. Note to self, I thought, get coffee ASAP. I waited for a beat before I could see that no one was coming out, so I did as the sign suggested and rang the bell. 

Almost immediately, a short Hispanic man entered into the room from the door that led to the garage. He reminded me of Mario from the Super Mario Brothers, but, instead of the cheesy Italian accent, he had a heavy south side of Chicago accent with nasal “a’s” so thick they could cut metal. “Can I help you?”

“Yeah, hi. My mother called here yesterday about a scratch on her Quattro? She was told to ask for a John?”

“Oh, yeah, Riley, right,” he asked as he opened his book to double check the schedule. He smiled before saying, “I’ll get him.” I watched as he turned to the glass window overlooking the garage and shouted, “Bender!” 

Instantly, that wave of anxiety rushed over me again as it all finally clicked in my head.

Bender. 

John Bender.

Like, John Bender, who was the epitome of “Bad Boy.” I’m talking foul-mouthed, sarcastic, temper-mental burnout….

Like, John Bender, the boy your parents warned you about…

Like, John Bender, the boy who I had the BIGGEST crush on in high school. 

Come to think of it, Allison told me once about how they met and it wasn’t just Bender, but how she had got close with Brian, Andy, and Claire Standish on fateful Saturday. That last one shocked me. You could imagine the look of confusion on my face on that following Monday when Allison told me all about their detention and how close they had all become. You can also imagine, when Allison said “Hi” to Claire, how much my heart broke for Allison when Claire basically humiliated her in front of all her friends. “She wasn’t like this Saturday, I swear,” Allison said as she hung her head down and walked quickly down the crowded hallways out of my sights. I was so furious with Claire that I turned back to look at her and flicked her off. It didn’t matter though and I could hear her making fun of me to her friends as I tried to go after Allison. I didn’t see Allison until lunch time but, when I did, she seemed to look better and had brought some company. 

“Charlie, this is Brian Johnson,” Allison announced and we smiled at one another and shook hands. “And this is Andy.” I stuck my hand out and he shook it.  
“Listen, babe, I gotta go, but I’ll see you after school,” Andy said to Allison before kissing her on top of her head. “Nice to meet you Charlie. Brian,” and Andy nodded at him before joining the rest of the jocks on the other side of the lunch room. 

“S-So, you know Allison f-from, um, art?” Brian asked. He was very soft spoken and sweet. We talked a little bit about how I met Allison and, turns out, we were in the same Biology class. He even offered to tutor me if I ever needed the help. After that, we just became really good friends, even through graduation but we had lost touch over the years. 

I knew who John Bender was before I had actually met him as, naturally, his reputation preceded him. I remember Allison and Brian mentioning him in passing, particularly when referencing that Saturday or when Brian spent that entire month trying to help Bender raise his grades so he could graduate. Otherwise, I only spoke with him a few times. The first time, which was when Brian and Allison had introduced him to me after school one day, I jumbled my words so badly, he thought I had a speech impediment and, almost every time after that, I would be so nervous to talk to him that my words always came out muddled. That might be cute to some people, but as a teenage girl, I was mortified. 

The first thing I noticed when he walked through the door was the facial hair, but honestly, not much else had changed. It sent me right back to junior year of high school when I had first seen him talking to Allison and Brian and I felt my stomach drop. Instead of his usual get up from our high school days, he wore a grease-stained blue jumpsuit with an embroidered “Bender” patch on the left breast pocket. 

“Yeah,” he asked the small Hispanic man, not even noticing me standing in front of him. 

“This young lady here says her Mother talk to Mike last night about a scratch on a Quattro?”

Bender leaned over the small Hispanic man at the book before her looked up at me and I felt my stomach gravitate to my throat. Part of me hoped he had no idea who he was, but there was another part of me that expected him to see me and recognize me immediately. I hadn’t really changed that much as my hair was still as dark brown and as unruly as ever, but it was a bit longer. And, sure, I may wear a little bit more make up around the eyes and maybe my skin was a bit darker from California but I was still Charlie Riley. I waited to see in his face if maybe seeing the name in the book clicked, but he looked completely unfazed. As expected, I found myself tripping all over my words. 

“Yeah, Um, she scrat-scratched it on a barrier? Car runs and everything and but, yeah,…scratched,” I nodded as if it would emphasize the point but, honestly, I was over thinking every movement I made and mentally chastising myself for having just murdered English grammar. I mean I’ve been around some of the most popular music artist of the last couple years and never once was I this nervous-not even when I met Elvis Costello and he’s one of my musical idols. Yet, here I am, a ball of nerves just trying to think of natural gestures to shake out the nerves and looking like I have a disorder of some sort. Bender looked at me and, as if he had a moment of realization, blinked before diverting his attention back to the small Hispanic man, who, upon looking to his breast pocket, was called Leo. 

“Riley, right?” He asked Leo. “Janet,” he asked as he looked from the book and back at me.

“No, uh, Charlotte. I’m her daughter.” Nothing, I thought to myself…seriously?

“Cool,” he said and looked to Leo, “I got this. I’ll pull it in next to the Trans,” and Leo patted him on the arm before going through the door into the garage. Bender looked back to me and asked, “Where’d ya say you parked the car?”

“Hm? Oh! At the side. When I got here, the ‘Closed’ sign was up, so I parked it to the side of the place, but I can move it if you want.”

“Nah, it’s alright, Riley. Just gimme the keys and show me where you parked it. I’ll take a look.” 

“Ok,” I said as he walked from around the desk and headed towards the exit. I followed him to the door and outside to show him where the car was parked. “It’s that one there,” I said and handed him the keys.

“Right, go ahead and have a seat in the shop. At least it’s warmer in there,” and he smiled before he unlocked the door of the Quattro and started the car to move it into the shop. I smiled back at him and made my way back into the shop. The smell of coffee hit me again and, remembering how good that coffee smelled, I figured 

I’d grab a cup while I waited. 

Apparently smells can be just as deceiving as looks as the coffee was rancid and I ended up throwing it in the garbage before settling in one of the couple chairs they had against the wall. Early morning soaps were starting which were always a major snoozefest to me. In situations such as these, I always found comfort in much so I pulled out my Walkman and listened to the latest mix tape I made of some of my old favorites. I had to laugh as I watched Susan Lucci basically mouth all the words to Echo and the Bunnymen’s song “Sugar Kisses,” creating the most ultimate music video I had ever seen. I chuckled to myself as I watched this go on for another 10 minutes or so before Bender re-entered the room wiping off his hands. I removed my headphones just as he began to speak.

“Mrs. Riley?” 

“Miss, actually,” and I held up my hands, palms facing me to show, “not married.” I grinned and, as God as my witness, I could’ve swore I saw a smirk but it was to himself. 

“Well, Miss Riley, I’ve taken a look at your car and the scratch needs to be buffed out. I can do it, but it will cost you a sum of one-hundred and fifty dollars.” He stuck the rag he used to wipe his hands into his pocket and leaned against the side of the desk.

“Mm, quite the predicament,” and Bender nodded. “Can I use your phone?” Bender stepped back and bowed while making a grand gesture to the phone behind the desk. “M’lady,” he said to the ground before looking back up at me with a smile. I had to giggle and walked in front of him to the phone to call Ma. 

“Ma? Yeah, I’m here. Well, I’m with John now,” I turned to see if he was still behind me but he had went to change the channel and, thankfully, stopped on a Looney Tunes cartoon. “Well, he’s saying 150 bucks which, I mean, that’s reasonable,” Ma rambled to herself for a moment and I looked to John. I made a motion of “blah blah blah” with my hand to not only mock mom but to see if I could get a reaction from Bender. Success, as he smirked before he looked back at the tv set. “Do it, then?  
Okay, hold on, um, John?” He turned to look at me and nodded, “how long would it take to fix today?”

“I’ve nothing else to do so I can probably get it done in about an hour or two at most?”

“He’s saying an hour or two,” I informed Ma through the receiver. Once she gave her blessing, I told her good bye and hung up the phone. “Alright,” I said as I slapped my arms against my body. Again with the stupid nervous gestures, I thought to myself, before telling him “Ma said go ahead.”

“Well, thank goodness Mommy and Daddy said ok,” he said before pointing at the tv, “You want me to change the channel back to the stories?” 

“God, no,” I laughed as I moved to the side of the desk. “I’ll take Daffy Duck over Days of Our Lives every time.”

“Yeah,” he laughed, “Me too. Alright, so we’re good?”

“Yep, we’re good.” I saw Bender look me over for a sec and make eye contact which made me blush. I must’ve looked like a deer in headlights as I scrambled to think of  
something witty to say but all I said was, “What” in sort of a nervous chuckle. Did I have something in my teeth? On my face? Was it my face?

Bender shrugged, “Nothin’, Riley. Probably should get to work then” and I watched as he tossed back his hair from his face. Still had that gray streak, I see. 

“I’ll be here…not moving…oh except, I might be outside. You don’t mind if I smoke out there, do you?”

“It’s where we smoke,” he said and I kinda of laughed and nodded as I watched him go through the door leading into the garage. 

Jesus woman, pull yourself together! I mean, shit, it’s just John Bender. I rolled my eyes and mentally beat myself up before returning back to the chairs. I watched a little bit of the cartoons before turning my walkman back on and dozing off.

……

“Alright, people, listen up,” Richard Vernon announced as he moved his jacket aside and placed his hands on his hips. “This is the last goddamn Saturday detention of the school year and the only thing I’m gonna ask of you is to remain in this room for the next 8 hours. You will not leave unless I tell you to but what you do in here is up to you within reason. That door will remain open and if I hear any funny business, any ruckus, OR I SMELL SMOKE OF ANY KIND, I’m looking at you John Bender, I’ll be in here so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

“Which way?” Bender was leaned back in his chair and was looking rather intently at Vernon.

“What?” Vernon asked, clearly annoyed already.

“You said you’d make my head spin-I’m wondering which way, Sir.”

“What’s it matter?”

“Curiosity, Sir.”

“Curiosity killed the cat, Bender,” which caused Bender to smirk and fold his arms. “You know what, Bender, I’m really sick and tired of all the bullshit you put me through this year, so can we please have a Saturday where you just stay in this room and not take a screws out of doors or run around the school like it’s your own personal playground-please? For once?” Bender saluted Vernon, which seemed to please him, until Bender used the same hand to flick him off. Vernon walked over to Bender and, using the chair Bender had been using as a foot rest, knocked Bender’s feet from it and had a seat next to him.

“I’m going to say this really slow, so maybe you’ll understand me. I can see that nothing works with you. I try to be nice, I try to be a hard-ass, I’ve tried threats and yet, nothing has managed to get to you. Bender, you do me this one solid and I’ll let you walk across that stage. I don’t care if you’ve flunked every single one of your classes, I’ll let you walk and give you your goddamn diploma.” Bender’s entire demeanor changed as he considered the proposition; you could tell as he tried to direct his focus to anywhere else but Vernon. “Bender, I don’t like you and you certainly don’t like me. I accept that and I can’t think of anything better than a school where you’re no longer a student. I want you out as much as you wanna get out but I can’t make that happen without a little something from you in return. So, please, stay in here today, ok? Can you do that, Bud?”

Bud? Vernon and Bender were mortal enemies and to see Vernon basically pleading to Bender, stooping to call him “Bud” with the promise of letting him graduate? Bender had nothing to say and I could see his knuckles turning white on the desk in front of him as Vernon waited for an answer. Vernon smiled and stood up from the chair as he patted Bender on the back. Bender, who immediately flinched away from Vernon’s touch, looked up from his chair with this look of hatred. Vernon simply laughed. “Well, you think about it, ok,…Bud,” with a hard emphasis on that final “D,” Vernon walked from beside Bender out of the library and into his office.

There were three of us in detention that day, Bender, myself, and Claire Standish. I was honestly shocked to see her in there but she must’ve been caught ditching again. (Allison had told me that was why she was stuck in detention the year before too.) It was really quiet for about 10 minutes and I watched as Claire struggled between remaining forward and turning around in her seat to talk to Bender. She finally chose the latter and she took a moment just to stare at him.  
Bender, who hadn’t moved since Vernon left the room, looked deep in thought before he directed his attention to Claire. He instantly sat up and cracked all his knuckles before tilting his head to the side and asked, “Can I help you, Sweets?” Sweets, I thought, as she was anything but. 

She very emotional as she went to touch Bender’s hand but, when he realized what she was doing, he quickly moved them. “What are you doing?”

“John, I-“ she said in a sort of broken voice but he tisked.

“Now, Cherry, you gotta be careful because we’re in the presence of a fellow peer. I mean, she may go tell all your friends we’re speaking, so, probably best you turn back around and we forget you ever once condescended to show any sort of remorse, let alone to speak with me, ok?” The two of them looked to me; Bender smiled and nodded a sort of “hey” in my direction while Claire narrowed her eyes as if I was the most disgusting thing on the planet before turning her attention back to John.

“John, that’s not fair.”

“Fair?”

“Yeah, you act like I never told you what exactly was going to happen come that Monday. I told you, I told all of you, but I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked as he leaned forward. 

“We come from different worlds, John. This isn’t some kinda corny love story. Listen, it was fun but now it’s time to grow up and get real.”

“Do you actually believe the shit that comes out of your mouth or do you just say shit because you like to hear yourself talk?” I desperately tried to hold in a chuckle at  
that one, so I kinda covered my face and doodled in my notebook while they continued.

“It was never gonna work John. Not a year ago, and not now. I’m sorry, but-“

“Don’t apologize to me. It was my fault for thinking you were a better than all that clique bullshit,” Bender threw his hands up in defeat, “My bad, Princess.”

“I’m trying to put what happened last year behind us and end this school year on good terms, John. I don’t want to fight with you.”

“Cause you’re not used to fighting at all,” Bender rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest as he stomped his boot on the chair.

“Oh, cause you’re not used to it either, huh Johnny?” I wasn’t too sure what it meant, but whatever she said really hit him hard, because Bender went from sarcastic to angry in a split second. 

“You’re a real fucking bitch, you that?”

“What’s a matter, John, can’t take what you dish out?”

“You wanna know something, Queenie? No one, not a single fucking one of your friends, actually gives a shit about you. You give them all this power to run your life  
and they don’t give a damn about you or your problems. WE did and, instead of growing a pair and standing up to your ‘friends,’ you followed along like a fucking sheep. Baaaaad move, Princess.”

“Shut up,” Claire said immediately turning around from Bender, but he didn’t let up, opting for standing up and moving around the desk to make eye contact with her. 

“I mean, you wanna be ‘real’ for a sec? What are YOU gonna do with YOURSELF once all your fucking friends aren’t around to tell you what you can and cannot do? No, CLAIRE, I wanna know, CLAIRE, just what exactly are YOU gonna do when your fucking friends aren’t around to tell you who you can and cannot talk to or hang out with, huh? What will become of the precious Prom Queen once high school has ended? You really think that shit’s gonna follow you into college or are you just gonna find a new flock to follow? You gonna be like them Claire? I mean, you got great role models-maybe you can ask your mother for marriage advice considering it’s working so well for her.”

“Fuck you, Bender.”

“But see, that’s the kicker. That’s what you’ll be thinking when Thad, the tiny dicked multi-millionaire is trying to thrust his limp dick into you. You’ll be thinking of me and he’ll probably be thinking his little piece of ass on the side.”

“You son-of-a-bitch,” Claire tried really hard to get away but Bender stayed on her going so far as to lean down at her eye level.

“And it’s cool because you’ll pop out a few puppies, get fat, get that fat sucked out and get the fat stuck somewhere else. You won’t feel it or remember it though, because you’ll be too fucked up what with your drinking problem and all. You’ll start to resent your kids, which is cool because they fucking hate you anyways, and then you can use them as pawns in some really fucked game you play with your husband. Sad thing is, you think all of this is normal because every single one of your fucking friends is doing the same goddamn thing. God, it’s so fucking pathetic, I’m almost sorry I’m not gonna be there to watch you fizzle out.”

“You think you know a fucking thing about me but you don’t-“

“Oh, but I do. See, I listened to you and talked to you and you couldn’t even find it in your heart to do the same with me so, you know what, you can wipe your ass with that apology or the pity you supposedly have for whatever ‘we’ were. Far as I’m concerned, it’s like a fart in the wind. So go cry to someone else, ok? Don’t fucking waste my final detention with Vernon crying because no one here gives a shit.”

From her sob, I could tell he had broken her down. Honestly, it was rough to listen to all of that because he was downright cruel. I wasn’t necessarily a fan of Claire’s or her friends either, but I certainly didn’t think her actions warranted the verbal beat down she’d just gone through. 

“You’re such…you’re such an asshole.”

“Yes, we’ve established that. And you’re a fucking bitch. Now that we both know our place within the high school social hierarchy, perhaps its best we not speak anymore especially when it concerns events that happened last year. Have a nice life, Cherry.” Bender stood up and flicked his hair from out of his face. He smirked as he went back to his seat. He watched Claire stand up and walk to the “Periodicals” room and slam the door before propping his feet up on the desk and stretching out.

I looked at the “Periodicals” door for a second too before turning my attention back to Bender, who was staring at me. “Boo,” he said as he smiled and looked up at the ceiling. I really didn’t know what to say so I waited for a second before returning my attention to my notebook. “Riley, right?” he said and when I looked up, he was seated at the desk in front of me, straddling the chair to face me. This scared the buhjeebus out of me and, naturally, he smirked.

“Uh, yeah, Charlie.”

“Charlie Riley? Sounds like the name of an Irish midget,” he chuckled but I wasn’t amused. He knew who I was, we had met before. He noticed I wasn’t laughing at his joke so he coughed and looked in the direction of the periodicals. “Don’t cha wanna know what that was about?” He nodded his head in the direction of the door. 

“No-not really,” I said as I added dots to one of the many swirls I had created on the page before me.

“Why not? Juicy gossip stuff, I assure you,” Bender said and I looked up to catch him watching me doodle. “I’m talking primo info, babe.”

“S’none of my business,” I shrugged.

“Gossip is never anyone’s business, that’s why people are so hungry for it. They live off the drama.”

“Well, not me. It’s not my place,” I said before returning to my drawing. Bender shrugged.

“Suit yourself, Riley,” and he tried made his way back to his spot before my words stopped him.

“Besides, she, she seemed to have hurt you…badly. And, if she doesn’t say it to you or if you won’t give her the chance to, I’ll say it for her-I’m sorry, Bender.” He  
looked at me surprised. He was speechless and I sighed and went back to doodling. “No one deserves to be treated like that. Not even you.”

There was a bit of silence and Bender finally moved from the seat in front of me back to his original spot. After about 20 minutes or so, he broke the silence. “You going to Allison’s tonight?”

“Huh?”

“Allison’s. She’s in town for the summer and she’s having a little get-together at her place. Are you gonna be there?”

“Oh, yeah, I’ll be there.” Bender kinda nodded at the new info and went back to staring at the ceiling before humming a rendition of Billy Idol’s “Rebel Yell.” I continued  
to doodle in my notebook a little bit longer before I felt my eyelids get really really heavy. I put my pen on the desk put my head down on the desk before shortly dozing off. 

“Hey…” I heard in a bit of a whisper as someone gently shook me. “Hey….”

……

“Hey…” and when I opened my eyes, Bender of present day was standing above me and shaking my arm. My headphones must’ve slid down my face half way through my nap. As I took them off and put the walkman back in my bag, I directed my attention to Bender. “Ah, you’re up.”

“Yeah,” I said as I yawned and immediately thought about the state of my breath. Bender sat down in the chair next to me and placed a pencil behind his ear. “What time is it,” I asked as I stared at the TV and Bender looked at the clock on the wall. “Noon,” he announced, “lunch time,” and he looked back at me with a smile. 

“Mmm, lunch sounds good. Your coffee is horrible, by the way.”

“Yeah, it’s old. Old man Mike comes in at 4 to do paperwork and shit and we all forget it’s on all day until we smell that burning smell. Actually had a pot shatter once.”

“Did you see it?” 

“Nah, heard it though. Anyway, you car’s been buffed and, I hope you don’t mind, I checked your fluids and did an oil change.”

“How much is that gonna cost me?”

“Ah, don’t worry about it,” he said as he pulled a receipt from his pocket and began to write out all the parts and labor for the job minus all the fluids and oil change.

“You sure? I can pay for it, especially if the car was due for it.”

“Tell you what, come to lunch with me, we’ll call it even.” Now, until this point, I had kinda been in that post-nap daze where you’re slowly but surely climbing out of your comfortable slumber but, after he said that, I was hyper aware as to what was going on. 

“You wanna go to lunch with me?”

“S’why I asked, Riley. Besides, it’s been, what, seven years now?” He looked to me and smiled as I smacked him on the arm.

“So you DID know who I was!” Brat.

“As soon as I saw the last name, I thought of you but I didn’t expect you to come in. I kinda figured it’d be your Mom.” 

“Yeah, well with Dad being in such bad shape, she stayed with him. We switch off, plus with the road’s being shitty lately, she doesn’t trust herself on the road as much anymore.”

“So that’s what brings you back.”

“Well, it certainly wasn’t this weather.”

“Damn. And here I thought you’d finally gathered enough balls to tell me you were in love with me. How wrong I was. I should’ve never let myself get my hopes up.” …fucking Allison, I thought. I looked to him for answers but he said, “I didn’t need anyone to tell me, but, for the record, it was Brian.”

“That little sneak,” and Bender laughed. “It isn’t funny! I told him with complete confidence in the fact that he’d never breathe a word of it to anyone, especially to you!”

“You dorks are all the same-all book smart and not an inkling of street smarts in you. Don’t you know that secrets are best kept private and not shared with anyone? You blab to someone you’re basically asking for that secret to be told. Besides, like I said, I didn’t need the geek to tell me about your little crush, ok?”

“Really?” 

“Nope. “ 

I turned to look at him and when he raised his eyebrows at me, I laughed and hid my face. 

“Jesus, this is embarrassing” I laughed as did he. 

“So, burgers? Next door has some good ones and, if I remember correctly, better coffee.”

“Any place has better coffee than here.”

“Oh, I’m hurt,” he said as he stood up to walk behind the desk. I handed him the credit card and paid for the car before remembering I should probably let Ma know  
what’s going on. Bender let me use the shops’ phone again as he threw out the remaining coffee and turned the TV off. Ma said all was well at home so I told her I wouldn’t be long and hung up.

“We good,” Bender asked as he unzipped his jumpsuit to the waist revealing a white undershirt that was snug on him, but a good kind of snug. I nodded and he  
grabbed a flannel, surprise, and threw it on before he flipped the “closed” sign. On the way to Skip’s, I saw Bender had parked the car back where I had parked it earlier and it looked like new. 

….

Skip’s décor hadn’t changed since the 70’s with its darkish green glass bulbs above all the tables contrasting with the yellow and orange floral motifs on the walls. A warm feeling of nostalgia washed over me as we were shown to a booth in the back and, before the waitress could begin to ramble off the specials, I asked for coffee.” 

“You still serve Breakfast 24/7” as I perused the menu.

“Wouldn’t still be in business if we didn’t,” she said cheerfully. I looked up at her and smiled before ordering waffles and bacon.

“Uh, burger, all the trimmings,” Bender said as he grabbed his and my menus to hand to the waitress. He then grabbed the ashtray and pulled it towards him before remembering I had mentioned smoking earlier. He moved it in between us in the middle of the table and reached in his pocket for his smokes. I watched and followed suit and, before I could get my own lighter out, Bender offered a light. We both took a drag and exhaled before beginning the conversation.

“So this must’ve started in college.”

“What,” I asked, not knowing what he was referring to but when Bender pointed to the cigarettes, I sighed, “Oh, yeah. Well, stress and shit.”

“Not to look cooler? That’s the normal response.”

“Ha ha,” I mocked and he chuckled as he ashed his cigarette. “No, I don’t need to smoke cigarettes to be cool. Nah, I did it to piss my Dad off and, it kinda stuck. He used to smoke too until he couldn’t. He’s on oxygen now.”

“Damn, and you still smoke?”

“I never smoke around him,” I said but realized just how stupid that sounded. Bender rolled his eyes and looked towards the pie case across the room. “I dunno, it’s a crutch. Why’d you start?”

“Eh. Something to do, you know?” He directed his attention back at me and ashed again before snubbing it out. “So, tell me Riley, what have you been up to these last few years?”

“I write.”

“Hey! I write too,” Bender said sarcastically.

“Yeah, but I get paid for it. I write the music column for ‘Neo Maxi Zomb-Dweebie?” Bender seemed to either not know what it was or wasn’t interested. 

“Sounds promising, really,” he said unimpressed as he downed his milk. This was the Bender I didn’t experience much but, when I did, I never liked it. Claire was right,  
he was an asshole…but only sometimes.

“What about you? What did you do after high school? Did ya travel, Bender? Did ya go to school?” He seemed taken aback by my sudden change in attitude, but I was done with him being cool on second and judgmental the next. “Bender, what do you want me to say? What can I say to you that you won’t shit all over, huh? I graduated Shermer and got the hell outta Dodge, man. Got a scholarship at Berkeley, got a degree in writing and good job right away. I’m back here to take care of my parents. I don’t know how long that will be, so let’s look at it like it’s indefinitely. I don’t have a boyfriend, the last one was an asshole Roadie for a college band you’ve probably never heard of and that was, at least, 2 years ago.”

“So, 2 years since,…” Seriously, I thought to myself and scoffed. 

“Yeah.”

“Explains a lot,” he said as the waitress brought our food out.

“Okay,” she said in a chipper tone, “Waffles and a side of bacon and a burger with all the trimmings. Anything else? More coffee? Milk?” We both nodded for more and the waitress complied. 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I asked in a pointed, hushed tone so as not to have the waitress hear. 

“You’ve been a little up tight since we got here, Riley. Just making an observation.” I wanted to slap him.

“Fuck you, Bender,” and he looked up at me and made an “oh, I’m so scared” face. “You know, I wouldn’t be acting so uptight if you didn’t just shit over everything I’ve told you in regards to my whereabouts the last 7 years. I got out of here, you stayed. Don’t be so fucking bitter,” and for a good ten minutes, the two of us ate in silence. Every so often, I’d look up and catch him looking at me which would make me put my head back down again. 

“Sorry, Riles,” he said quietly and I looked up at him again. He looked genuinely apologetic and I shrugged. “Apology accepted,” I said and grabbed a piece of bacon. 

“So what about you, Bender, really? What or who have you been doing these last couple years?”

“Well, Vernon did actually let me graduate and a short time after that, Dad croaked.”

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” I said, completely forgetting the absolutely terrible relationship he had with his parents. That’s what Allison had told me, anyway.

“S’fine. He actually left us a little bit of money. Ma changed, became nicer and I ended up getting into a trade school. Mike’s son is a buddy of mine and he offered me  
a job at the shop. I’ve been there for, shit, 5 years now.”

“Like it?”

“Yeah, I mean, it’s what I like to do and the pay’s decent. It’s just me and mom at the house, not a lot of bills but between the two of us, so, we do ok,” he stuffed the final French fry from his plate into his mouth while I still had another waffle or two still left on my plate. He ate like a vacuum cleaner. As he chugged his second glass of milk, the waitress returned and let him know he had dessert coming and he ran to the pie case. When he returned, he sat and looked to the waitress’s name tag. 

“Fiona, is it?” 

“Yeah, sugar, did you decide?”

“Yes, I would like a piece of blueberry ala mode.”

“Alright,” she said and turned to me, “Still working on that, Hon? Wanna box?” I nodded and asked for more coffee.

“So, you talk to Brian or Allison,” Bender asked, pulling out another cigarette.

“I haven’t. I can only assume they’re well. I’d love to see them.”

“Well, Allison is still in town but Brian is in Chicago. He works for a computer company up there or something.”

“Allison still with Andy?”

“Yeah, they’re gonna have a kid,” Bender mentioned casually while I scrambled to lift my jaw up from the floor. 

“What? Are they married?” 

Bender shook his head, “Nope. I mean, I think they will now but eh. They both work at Shermer, of all places. She teaches art there, he’s a coach.”

“Jesus, I get Andy, but why would Allison voluntarily return there?”

“Well Vernon’s gone so I’d imagine it’s a bit nicer…less Barry Manilow-y.” That made me laugh.

“So, what happened to him, I wonder?” 

Bender ashed his cigarette and shrugged, “Who cares? I mean, last I heard, he retired to Florida.”

“And what about Claire,” I asked, though I knew I was treading on dangerous ground with that inquiry. Bender looked up at me, back down, and, as if on cue, the  
waitress arrived with his pie and Bender acted like a five year old. I assumed that was fate’s way of telling me to drop it, but he seemed to pick it back up again.

“I haven’t spoken to her since our detention in the library many moons ago. I can only hope she fulfilled my prophecy,” he said as he took a bite of the dessert before him. He looked so happy as he slowly savored that bite. “Anyway,” he swallowed, “I thought you didn’t wanna know about all that.” 

“People talk, Bender. There were four other people there that day,” I reminded. Allison told me a little bit of everything that went down that day and, for the most part, Brian confirmed or filled in bits she didn’t know about. I know they kissed. “Besides, I don’t know much.”

“Do you wanna know now?” he asked but, when I hadn’t said anything after a second, he told me anyway. “I kissed her in front of her Daddy causing enough drama to have her parent’s feud through the weekend. She and I met up Sunday but she wouldn’t let me do anything, just make out with her. When I went to put my arm around her Monday, she made a huge scene and the rest you know.”

“She did the same thing to Allison. Allison said ‘hi’ to her and she cut her up to all her friends,” Bender looked ticked off when I told him, but not much he could do now. “And when she saw me, she did the same.”

“Fucking bitch,” he said as he finished the final bite of his pie. “Oh well, probably as I had predicted. I know she left. I think her brother’s the only one that still lives out here, but I dunno,” and with that, he waved his hand and motioned for the check. Once it came, I snatched it from his hand and ran to pay for it. I managed to reach the register and hand the cashier the money when I felt a strong pair of arms wrap around my waist and physically move me from the spot. Bender let go and asked the cashier to give me my money back so he could pay, but the cashier said the transaction was complete and told us to have a nice day. Bender turned to see me with my hands on my hips and a smug look of success on my face.

“You know what this means, don’t you,” he asked as moved closer to me, trademark smirk on his face.

“Huh,” I asked. He was close. So close, I had to look up just to make eye contact with him. I had forgotten just how much taller he was than me, a whole head taller.

“We’re gonna have to go to dinner now. I’ll pay. I can’t let my friends find out a girl paid for my lunch. People may talk!”

“Yeah? What’s for dinner?” And Bender leaned in really close and I felt the warmth of his breath as he whispered in my ear, “You’re wearing it.” This sent a shiver through my spine, so I smacked him on the arm and moved past him to leave the restaurant, but he wasn’t too far behind. “Riles! Wait,” he shouted and I turned to see he had a bag with my diner food in it. “You almost forgot your waffles,” he said handing me the bag.

“Thanks for grabbing ‘em,” I said before I put my hand out for the keys.

“Ah,” he said as he held them over my head, “Dinner?” 

“When?”

“Whenever. You said you’re with your folks?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Number’s in the book. Can I call you?” I thought about it for a second hoping he’d think I was ditching him but he shrugged and turned around to head back to the  
shop with my keys still in hands. I reached out and grabbed him to pull him back to me. When he reached me, he looked down at me with this spark in his eyes-honestly, I think it was lust which caused me to feel tingly all over. That’s corny, but it’s the best way to put it. I gulped louder than I expected and he smiled and raised an eyebrow. “So?” 

Again, I couldn’t speak, so I just grinned and nodded as I raised my open hand. He placed the keys in it and closed my hand around the keys with his other hand. I don’t know why, but I thought that was ridiculously cute. We kinda remained like that for a moment and a thought occurred to me. Was he going to kiss me? I mean, we were there, there was this warmth between our bodies-of course, it could be the cold and the proximity of our bodies-and I thought we had like, this sort of moment? But instead, he let go of my hand with the keys and stepped back. “Later, Riley.” 

I stood there in the parking lot between Skip’s and the shop and watched as he walked back towards the entrance. He turned around to see me still staring at him and waved before flipping the sign back to “open.”


	2. Chapter 2

“So, who’d you run into,” Ma asked as her and Dad sat at the table playing rummy. 

“Oh, uh, you remember John Bender?” Ma stopped paying attention to the game and looked at me as if I had said I killed the dog, but Dad was unfazed. 

“You mean he’s not in jail?”

“Jan, leave her alone. She’s 25, she’s a smart girl.”

“I’m not worried about her, it’s him. You remember Bender Sr.”

“I do,” Dad said as he placed his final set of cards on the table. It was a bit ridiculous how many sets he had in comparison to mom’s three. “Rum,” he said proudly and   
sat back in his seat to look at me and wink. I had to smile.

“Then you know how abusive he was.” Mom wasn’t letting up. “I remember running into his mother a couple times and she was covered in bruises. I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned out the same way and I’ll be damned if he’ll be hanging around my daughter.”

“Ma, first of all, you haven’t heard that name since I graduated. Secondly, I’m not an idiot, I know, better than you, mind you, what his home life was like as I was friends with him and went to school and, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he actually didn’t turn out like his dad. He actually went to trade school to fix cars.” Ma looked horrified as she put two and two together. “Yeah, HE’S the John that fixed the car. He also checked the fluids and did an oil change free of charge.” Dad smirked as he dealt to play another game of Rummy. “People change, Ma. Look at me. Look at Berta. (Berta was my sister.) She was ridiculous in high school and into all the reckless nonsense and now she’s corporate complete with a BMW and a stick up her ass.” Ma gasped but Dad chuckled a bit. “I’m fine, I promise.” Ma sighed deeply before turning back to the game. “What happened,” she asked Dad seeing that the old game had been cleared and a fresh one was about to start.

“I whooped your butt. Charlie, you wanna play?”

Gotta love, Dad. I get where Ma was coming from because she was partially right. If his home life was as shitty as Allison had made it out to be and judging on how he was in high school, it was safe to assume that he was going probably follow in his Dad’s footsteps. She was concerned and, while I appreciated it, it, thankfully, wasn’t needed. At the end of the day, I know they trust me and besides, it was just lunch…probably dinner. Nothing more, right?

That night, after dinner, I went upstairs to write a little bit but everything I came up with was absolute shit. I think I typed a paragraph or two 5-6 times before throwing up my hands in defeat and stepping away from my typewriter. As I turned in my chair away from my desk, I looked around my room and thought about redecorating. I still had quite a bit of money to buy new bedding and maybe paint? I could talk to Ma and see if she’d let me paint and redo some things, but I don’t know. 

I figured I’d listen to some music since that usually helped me write better but once I saw it was after midnight, I knew the folks would more than likely be asleep. I put my gigantic headphones on and went through my albums. Pulling out one at random, I took the record out of the sleeve, placed it on the turn table and started it without even paying attention to what I was listening to. There was that old familiar pop and crackle of the vinyl before my ears were filled with the sweet sound of Lou Reed singing “Satellite of Love.” 

I love the feeling that music brings. It tells a story, allows you to escape, or soothes whatever ails you; it speaks volumes at any volumes and even has the power to resurrect the dead-dead being a metaphor for a memory, and as I sat on my bedroom floor as I had done so many times before, I closed my eyes and thought about what had happened that day with Bender. I thought about seeing him in high school and thinking how we’d probably never hit it off as anything, friends or other. 

….

“You like him, don’t you?” Allison had to repeat herself a couple times apparently because I had been paying more attention to the burn out in the red flannel smoking with his buddies under the bleachers. The school’s parking lot for students sat right behind the bleachers so you could see under them from your car, or my car, which is where Allison and I currently sat waiting for Andy to get out of football practice. She promised she’d give him a ride home but, considering she didn’t own a car, she asked me. 

“What?” I asked and blinked as if it would bring back my focus to the previous one-sided conversation. Allison laughed. “I KNEW IT!” she shouted and I immediately did everything in my power to “shh” her as she continued to giggle hysterically. “Oh my God, you like Bender? That’s amazing.”

“What? No, I mean, I don’t even know him.” Remain cool, I told myself. Act like he doesn’t even faze you, but Allison knew.

“I’m friends with him you know,” She said casually causing me to practically break my neck I turned my head so quickly. “I could talk to him-“

“YOU WILL NOT!” 

“I’ll will, I’ll just tell him, ‘Bender, Charlie thinks you’re the shits.’” And she laughed hysterically.

“Oh, ha ha, jerk,” I said as I folded my arms over my chest and huffed. 

“Charlie, I’m only teasing. I’ll only talk to him if you want me to, ok?” I turned to look at her and she was being sincere. 

“Fine, but if he starts getting all cute with me-“

“He’s flirty with everyone. It’s kinda his thing.” Allison said as she started to spot the football players headed to the locker room.

“I thought his shtick was being the ‘criminal,’ or the ‘asshole.’” Allison rolled her eyes. 

“No no, he is an asshole,” she assured me, “but criminal? If he’s a criminal, then I’m a basket case.” I turned to her as soon as the words left her mouth and gave her a   
look as if to say, “well…” but she gave me a look and laughed, “Not another word, Riley,” which had me laughing too. She turned her attention towards the bleachers and gasped. “Charlie? I don’t mean to rain on this parade but, Bender is headed this way.” Next thing I knew, Bender was standing outside Allison’s window and made a motion for her to roll down the window. The smell of weed permeated my tiny car as Bender bent down and leaned on the passenger side door. 

“You know, Riley, maybe next time you can come join me and the guys instead of sitting here watching us like a stalker,” Bender smiled. 

“Wasn’t them, John, just you,” Allison smiled and looked to me. All I could do was give her a death stare. I was absolutely mortified and she wasn’t improving the situation by making remarks like that. Bender made an over exaggerated gesture of flattery. “Why Miss Riley, I had no idea you fancied me,” he mocked trying his best to sound like Miss Scarlet from Gone with the Wind complete with the high pitched voice. Allison chuckled and I turned a beet red. I had reached a point where all I wanted was for them all to go away and forget all this ever happened. I shut my eyes for a second but when I opened them, Bender and Allison were both staring at me. 

John looked as if he didn’t know what to make of the situation while Allison gave me a look of “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SAY SOMETHING!”

“Well, Riley, you gonna smoke some doobage with me some time?”

“I, uh,” and Bender raised an eyebrow waiting for a response. Luckily, I was saved by Andy entering the car, “Oh, Thank GOD,” I said aloud.

“Hey Sporto,” Bender said. “Well, ladies, my invitation is always open, especially for you, Cupcake.” He winked at me before telling Allison he’d see her later.

“What did I miss?” Andy laughed as he noticed how red I got. Allison leaned over into the back seat to kiss him and he managed to pull her back there with him. I heard her give him the play by play as I went to drive off. Before we left the parking lot, I saw Bender again in my rear view mirror walking towards the row of apartments. 

Before he reached the grass that separated the apartments from the school’s parking lot, he turned back around to look at my car.

….

“Late night last night?” Ma asked as I walked like a member of the living dead into the kitchen. Coffee lured me but it was the eggs and toast that kept me there, I thought to myself. Ridiculous and deep for a morning, I thought. Vocally, however, all I could manage was a grunt as I poured my coffee and buttered a piece of toast.

“Well, your Dad has an appointment at the clinic, so are you able to take him for me? I’m meeting Sylvia for lunch.” 

“Nof prolflemb,” I said through a mouth full of toast.

“Charlotte, don’t talk with your mouth full. It’s unbecoming,” she sighed as she set a place for Dad just as I hear a “psst” of the oxygen tank entering the kitchen. He kissed the top of my head and sat down at the place Ma had set. 

“Jan, I don’t wanna go to the Doctor, I’m fine. Besides, I’m sure Charlie’s got better things to do then chauffeuring me to all these appointments.”

“Dad, it’s fine. I really don’t mind it at all. We get to hang out, so it’s cool. Oh! But I do need to talk to you two. Would it be alright if I fixed up my room and bathroom?”

“What do you mean?” Ma asked.

“Well, I wanted to know if I could paint it? I was gonna get rid of some things, probably buy some bookshelves, new bedding, I dunno. I hate that everything is so pink   
in there.”

“Aww, I think it’s sweet. What color you looking to paint it?” Ma asked as she sat and buttered a piece of toast. 

“Red.”

“No.”

“Ma, why?” I sighed. 

“Because, if your father and I ever do sell this house, that red’s gonna take forever to paint over.”

“Berta painted her room lime green AND let all her friends write over the walls in permanent marker!”

“Berta also paid to have people come in and wallpaper the walls.”

“Ma, you make it seem like I don’t or that I couldn’t do that too.”

“Charlotte, I’m putting my foot down on Red. Pick another color.” I thought for a moment as I swallowed a fork full of eggs. 

“Black?”

“Are you out of your MIND,” Ma practically spit her coffee out. 

“Kidding,” I said with a smile and my hands up in defeat. “What about,” and I had to think for a second. Currently, the room was pink with a floral trim. “Okay, what if I painted it an off-white? Like ivory or cream?”

“White,” Dad said, not looking up from his eggs. “You’re basically saying you’re gonna paint the rooms white.”

“Fine, paint the rooms some kind of white.” 

White wasn’t the ideal color but we’ll see when we reach the paint store, I thought. I figured I’d check the bedding first. Maybe I could determine a color based on the bedding. 

…..

A few hours had passed and I managed to take Dad to his appointment, run to the hardware store to grab paint (went with a vintage white and a beige for the bathroom), found a red plaid bedspread set, got some new pillows, a few bookcases, towels, boxes, and everything I’d need to get this started, like, today. Dad and I were even able to grab some lunch at Skip’s, which allowed me to look over at the shop to see if I could see Bender, but the shop was “Closed.” I wondered if they were next store getting a bite to eat as well but, when Dad and I entered, they were nowhere to be found. We had a nice lunch, never the less, and ended up back home by 1. Dad said he felt tired so I made sure he was all set up for bed before taking all the junk I had just bought upstairs to my room.   
Ever psyche yourself up for a project and then, when you’re finally standing in front of it, you think, “Eh, I’ll do this later.” That’s kinda how I felt when I stood in the doorway of my room. I knew I’d have to go through things and either get rid of them or box them away. And, of course, I had boxes of my stuff I had brought from my place in California that still needed to be brought upstairs from the basement. Ugh.

“Well,” I said aloud, “let’s just get started.”

I put on a Ramones record, “Road to Ruin” is great to listen to while you’re cleaning, and opened up my closet. After about an hour, I managed to get rid of a majority of my high school clothes, save for the occasional oversized sweater because those were damn comfortable to sleep in. 

By 4 PM, I had managed to have a large pile of “donate,” and only a few boxes of “keep” that were full of momentos. I moved those boxes to the basement but before I could grab the boxes with my California stuff in it, the phone rang. I practically killed myself running up the stairs to get to the phone before Dad woke up. 

“Hello?” I’m surprised I could say anything, I was so out of breath.

“Hey Sweets. What were you doing? Running a marathon?” Throat in stomach.

“Bender.”

“The one and only. What are you up to right now?”

“Um, I’m,” and I had to stop for a second to breathe causing Bender to chuckle into the phone.

“I gotta ask, while you were doing whatever it was that has caused you to run out of breath, were you thinking of me?”

“What? No! I am trying to redo my room. It’s been the same since high school.”

“Gross.”

“Fuck you very much, douche. I’m moving shit by myself and painting and stuff.”

“Wanna take a break?” I thought about it for a sec but honestly, if I stopped working now, I may never get back to it. Yeah, I’m one of those people. 

“Ma’s not home yet and I really don’t wanna leave Dad alone.”

“When she coming home?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. She went out with Sylvia a few hours ago.”

“What about when she gets back?”

“Why don’t we just do dinner tomorrow, huh?” He was silent which made me wonder if he was just gonna say “forget it.” It didn’t help that he sighed into the phone   
which made my heart sink. I felt terrible.

“Guess I’ll just take a rain check then,” he said. “You busy tomorrow around 7?” Oh thank God, I thought as I slumped into the chair by the phone. 

“Yeah, sounds great,” I smiled. 

“Cool, meet me at the shop?”

“Yeah, sure.” 

“Good. Later cupcake.”

Cupcake. I was grinning from ear to ear after I hung up the phone, lost in my thoughts. 

“Who’s that that has you smiling so big? Your boooooyfriend?” Dad loved to kid. I was surprised he was able to sneak up on me given the sound of his tank but he did it. 

“What are you doing up?”

“What are you doing letting me sleep all day?” 

“You noticed that, huh?” I laughed, getting up from the chair to walk over and give him a hug. “You hungry?” 

I set Dad up in the living room and began to make his lunch when Ma came in. 

“How’d it go?”

“BP IS NORMAL, OXYGEN IS A LITTLE LOW SO THEY UP’D MY DOSAGE. GOT ANOTHER SCRIPT FOR MY HEART. CHARLIE LET ME SLEEP ALL DAY. IT WAS A GOOD DAY!”   
Dad shouted from the living room before I could inform her myself. 

“Well, did you get the stuff for your rooms?”

“I did. I have to move some stuff out of the room to start painting it.”

“Put it in Berta’s room across the hall for the time being and move it back in when you’re done.”

I finished making Dad his lunch and went back to work upstairs. I was able to move the bed and stuff out before painting the room an off white, save for one wall where the headboard of my bed was going to go. This wall, I painted a red to accent the new red plaid bedding I bought. It is one wall, I thought. She’ll get over it.   
When she finally came upstairs to bring me dinner, she wasn’t pleased.

“YOU SAID YOU GOT A WHITE!”

“I DID! I just, you know, wanted one wall red.”

“Charlotte, YOU will be painting this wall before you leave here, you hear me?” I rolled my eyes and nodded. 

Another hour or so had passed and I was done painting. Stuff seemed dry enough so I slowly started to move stuff back into my room. I know I probably should’ve waited longer but I’m very impatient and had the windows opened most of the day so I thought it’d be ok. Still, probably not good for me, what with the fumes, but I didn’t care. 

I set my bed back up by the wall with the mattress and moved the desk up from its original location to in front of the window. I moved my record player and speaker to   
where my desk was and played another record as I built the bookcases I had purchased. As I sat on the bare mattress reading the instructions, I was hit in the leg with a small pebble. It scared the hell out of me as I thought maybe a big bug attacked me. (I know, unreasonable but bugs scare me.)

I immediately turned the record player down and sat back on the bed. I heard someone whisper “shit” from below my window and I waited, grabbing my phone in the process ready to dial 911. Then, I heard a pebble hit the top part of the window. When I finally mustered up the courage to look outside the window. Bender was standing there looking up at me. 

“Ain’t there a play or something that starts like this?” He asked in a whisper.

“Yeah. What’s up, Romeo?” I said, trying to sound unimpressed but mentally, I was jumping around like a spastic school girl. 

“Bored. Still working on your room?” 

“Yes, but my Mommy says I can’t have boys over,” I smirked. 

“Shame,” he said as he kicked a rock. “Guess that means you’ll have to come down here then.” He met my eyes again and clicked his tongue. I turned back into my   
room and saw the piles of particle board, aka potential book cases, laying around and sighed. I’ll do it later, I thought.

“Yeah, alright,” I said and motioned for him to stay put. Grabbing my jean jacket and opting for boots as opposed to my chucks, I met him in the front yard. “Hey,” I said quietly as he flicked his cigarette into the yard. 

“You up for a walk?” He asked. Luckily, it was a bit warmer than it had been yesterday. When you’ve lived in the Chicagoland area all your life, your body acclimatizes to the frequent weather changes. So, while 55 degrees was still cold, it wasn’t as cold as, say, the 23 degrees it was the day before. Anyway, I nodded and we started walking in the direction of, what I assumed was, the park. As we walked that way, I remembered how I hadn’t really smoked all day, so I dug in my pocket to grab one. I stopped for a sec to light it. Bender walked a couple steps ahead but, stopped when he noticed I wasn’t beside him. 

“You shouldn’t smoke you know. Gives you cancer.” He smiled and I took a drag and blew the smoke in his direction.

“Totally?” I said sarcastically. I hadn’t noticed before, but he seemed to hold onto past things too; I recognized both his scarf and trench coat. He motioned for me to   
“come on” and we continued walking. “So, what do I owe the extreme pleasure of a late night romp?”

“I told you, I was bored. Figured you’d be too. What made you do your room again?”

“It was basically a time capsule of my high school agony and it’s pink. All pink.” He laughed. “What?”

“I never would’ve taken you for a pink kind of gal.”

“Yeah, well, time to get rid of things I guess.”

“Yeah, I hear ya,” and he dug in his pocket for another smoke, “so what did you paint it?”

“Well, I wanted to paint it red, but Ma said no so I bought this antique white and painted it but painted one of the walls the deep red I wanted.”

“You little rebel you.” He smirked and I stuck my tongue out at him. We finally reached the park and made our way to the swings. Parts of the playground had snow still   
on or around it, but the swings seemed ok. That was until I sat on them and nearly froze my ass off. I made a squeak and Bender laughed. “Cold?”

“Fuckin’ A. It’s freezing.” 

“I could warm it for you. Your butt, not the swing,” but then he sat on it and a sort of “yip” noise causing me to laugh hysterically. 

“Hahaha! You can’t even take care of yourself, what makes you think I’d trust you to do the same for me?”

“We talking here or overall?” That kinda through me for a loop. What did he meanby that, I wondered? I kind stared at him from my swing, my butt slowly getting used to the cold of the rubber seat. Bender laughed and sat back down next to me, “KIDDING!” he laughed and threw his cigarette to the ground before starting to swing.   
I looked at him for a sec before starting to swing myself.

“Did you ever swing yourself so high and try to jump off?” That was my attempt at steering the conversation elsewhere as Bender pondered the question. 

“Always. You?”

“Nope,” I said trying to make myself go higher, “Never. Too Scared.”

“Chicken.”

“I AM, thank you!” And we laughed. I watched as he started to vigorously push himself, making himself swing higher and higher until I heard him shout, “GERONIMO!”   
and he jumped off the swing, landing on his feet. “Now, you try,” he shouted but I shook my head no and started to let myself slow down a bit. 

“Riley, take a chance and jump,” I could hear him but his voice was faint. It was weird. One moment, I had been swinging on a swing set and the next, I was thinking   
like I was back in elementary school, terrified to do anything, let alone jump. As I thought it over, I snapped out of it when I heard his voice again, “JUST JUMP,” and, to my surprise, I listened. However, I wasn’t really focused on my feet or the ground and instead of landing on my feet, I kinda landed on my ass and skid a bit. Bender was by my side in an instant, crouched over me wanting to help me up but afraid to touch me in case I had seriously damaged or broken something. “Jesus, are you alright? I’m sorry, I fucked up-Riles, you ok?”

“I think…” I said, as I brought my scratched palms up to my face so I can see the damage. Not as bad as I thought but they stung something awful. Bender waited on   
baited breath for me to continue my analysis.

“Yeah,” he asked impatiently.

“I think..I broke my ass.” Bender sighed a bit of relief as he placed his hand on my cheek.

“Seriously, you ok, Cupcake?” I looked up at him and nodded. 

“I just, I need you to help me up,” and he did. When he pulled me up, he had managed to pull me extremely close to him. 

As I looked up at him, realizing he still hadn’t let go of my hands, watched him lean in closer. As his forehead touched mine, I exhaled creating a cloud of fog in the cold weather. He smiled and gently kissed my lips. As he pulled away I smiled and shivered a bit. Without moving his forehead away from mine, he wrapped his trench coat around the both of us allowing me to wrap my arms around his waist. He moved his face to kiss my forehead before pulling me in closer and rested his chin on the top of my head. I grinned and snuggled my face in his chest before taking a step back to look at him. 

“Truth or dare?” He asked and I looked at him puzzled.

“Truth,” I said, wondering what exactly he was getting at. He grinned.

“Did you really have a crush on me in high school?”

“Really?” I asked and he nodded. “Yes. I did, but I was too scared to talk to you.” He nodded as if to say, “fair enough.” “Alright,” I said, “what about you? Truth or dare?”

He thought for a moment before he said, “Truth.” That threw me for a loop and though I had a million questions desperately wanting to be answered about what this was, what were we doing, etc, one question I’ve always wondered instantly popped into my head. 

“Did you have a crush on me in high school?” He pondered for a moment before pursing his lips together. “Really,” he asked and I nodded.

“I thought you were cute,” he grinned and I poked him in the stomach causing him to “yip” again and chuckle. 

“That’s it? You thought I was cute?” He grinned and poked me on the nose before nodding, moving closer to kiss me again, but I stopped him. “What about now?”

“That’s not how truth or dare works. It’s my turn to ask you. Truth or dare?” I sighed as I stepped out of our warm embrace and looked at him. “Truth.”

“God, you’re so lame,” He laughed to himself but I was getting a little miffed so I threw my hands up and said, “Fine, dare.” He smiled and walked towards me, closing the distance between us once again. “I dare you to spend the night with me.”

“What?” 

“What? I dare you to-“

“John, I know what you asked me, but we’ve been talking to each other for, what, a day now? Don’t you think that’s pushing things really quickly?”

“Yeah, but like, you’ve liked me, I like you-“

“And what, you expect me to just lay on my back and let you screw me or something? John, listen, I like you a lot, I do, but like, I gotta be honest, I’m more familiar with your persona than I am you, you know?” He looked at me dumbfounded before sticking his hands into the pockets of his trench coat. 

“S’not what I was asking. And what do you mean by my persona?”

“Well, what exactly did you think would happen if I spent the night with you, John? I’ve been admiring you from a far for so fucking long that I feel like I don’t even know you. I know of Bender, the sarcastic ‘criminal’ that used to give Vernon hell and who I watched verbally cut down one of his, I’m assuming, ex-girlfriends, but I don’t know John. I mean, you think you know everything there is to know about me?”

“You came back to take care of your Dad. You were really smart in high school and were friends with Allison and Brian. We had detention once.”

“So, that’s all the foundation you need to not only start a relationship, but to sleep with someone?”

“Hey, I said I liked you,” and by the tone of his voice, I could see I had finally been getting somewhere with him.

“And I’m telling you I like you to, but this high school mentality has gotta go, man. I’m not gonna fuck you just because you like me.” He remained quiet for a second   
and I could see him exhaling through his mouth as if he was trying to calm himself down. “John, I-“

“What do you want me to say?” He suddenly became very defensive and short in his remarks. I sighed. To be honest, there was nothing I wanted more than to just sleep with him but that’s not all I wanted from him. I wanted his respect-I don’t screw to get respect. I wanted to get to know him and I wanted him to know me. I had only been in these kind of waste of time, fuck-buddy like relationships for so long that I wanted something real for once. I mean, I don’t know, maybe things with Bender wouldn’t work out but the fact that I wanted to actually give it a try spoke volumes to me and so, I wanted him to be on the same page. I didn’t want him to just like me…I wanted him to love me. And as much as it hurt me to stand there and look at him visually hurt but not wanting to show it, if he wasn’t willing to work with me, I had to walk away. 

“Bender, I don’t want to rush into things.”

“So, you’re a liar.”

“What?”

“You said you liked me.”

“John, I do! But I want to date you. I want to go on dates and let feelings grow and shit.” He stood there and took in the words. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out the next thing that popped into my head. “And I don’t want you to just think I’m ‘cute’ and ‘like’ me, but lo-“and I stopped and he snapped his head up at me with his eyes wide. 

“You want me to what?” And Bender moved to close the distance again and he was breathing really heavily, “Say it.” His look was nothing short of intense. So intense, in fact, that I didn’t really know what to expect.

“I want you to love me,” I said in a low tone and I looked to the ground. When I looked back up, he was still staring deeply at me. I couldn’t even hold his gaze for long and so I looked back down at my shoes. “And, if, you know, you don’t want to do that, I understand but, I need you to understand that, if you don’t wanna do that that this, whatever this is, is over.” I swallowed and looked up at him again. At this point, my eyes began to swell with tears but I had to stand my ground. As much as I wanted to look back down at the ground and away from him, I wouldn’t do it. I stared at him and he at me for what felt like an eternity before he scoffed and looked away. 

“I’ll walk you home,” he said and walked past me but I stood my ground. He stopped after seeing I hadn’t moved and asked, “Are you coming?” 

We walked back to my house in silence, chain-smoking the entire way. When we reached my house, I turned to say good night but he had booked it to his car that was parked across the street from my house and drove off like a bat out of hell. I watched as his head lights continued to the end of my street and disappear after he turned the corner. I checked my watch-1 AM. I pulled out a cigarette and lit it. After I took a drag, it was as if the entire realization of what just happened hit me again and I sat on the bottom of my porch steps and sobbed. I had ended this before it even began. 

….

I had a hard time sleeping the next couple nights. I hadn’t heard from him but I could’ve swore I saw his car drive by the house one night really late while I was up writing. I barely ate or slept and every time my parents asked what was wrong, I lied and said I was sick. Finally, after about a week of this going on, Ma told me to get upstairs and stay there for the weekend. I took the tv/vcr outta Berta’s room so I didn’t have to go downstairs to fight over the tv. 

I beat myself up the first couple days too. You like someone for so long and, the moment they give you the attention you’ve desperately craved for, Jesus, years now, you take it and crush it like a can of beer against a frat boy’s face. I mean, he did say he liked me. He seemed like he wanted to be with me, but to jump into “Spend the night with me?” What the fuck kind of shit is that? We’re fucking 25. Yeah, we’re still young but, like, I want more. I deserve more. I just remember how my last   
relationship ended. 

Basically, a friend and I became “no strings attached fuck buddies.” Now, that’s all fine and dandy if you’re both able to not develop any form of romantic attachment to each other. That’s where I failed and I wanted so badly for him to want me. I even sacrificed my self-respect and just took all his bullshit. All these things/instances/personality traits that I said I would NEVER take from a guy, I took it and would’ve taken it from him if that meant that, one day, he’d wake up and say, “Damn, Charlie is THE ONE.” Then one morning I woke and thought, “What the fuck am I doing? I deserve better,” and dropped him. Of course, it caused a huge fight and we’re not friends anymore but I learned a lot that day, not just about myself but about what I was willing to take/put into a relationship and the warning signs of when to leave. I guess you go through that with any breakup you have, really, until eventually, you find your “one.”

Not to say that I thought Bender was the one but…I dunno.

I know what I want and I’m sticking to my guns. If he doesn’t want to try and make it work, I can’t force him but it’s his loss, not mine.

At least, that is what I am going to keep telling myself when I find myself crying from the emotional pain of all this.

It will get better…it always does. 

I hope.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up Monday after having practically slept the entire weekend, refreshed and feeling awesome. I had a really ridiculously productive day which involved finishing my room, doing all the errands the folks wanted, and writing two articles for the magazine. That night, I received a call from one of the editors.

“So, how’s Midwest life treating you?” Mindy, who was about two years older than me, was the creator and editor in chief of NMZD. I met her at Berkeley and we hit it off right away. She started the magazine, which kind of blew up over night because we were seemingly covering things Rolling Stone wouldn’t and I think the kids appreciated that.   
She’s the one that gave me a job fresh out of college and I was in debt to her for that, always. Right now, though, she was getting on my last nerve.

“Yawn and its cold as fuck. How’s California?”

“Toasty,” she said and I could just hear her smile through the phone, if that is even possible.

“Oh, just rub it in why don’t you! Sheesh!” I said and she laughed.

“Alright, are you free Saturday night? Cure’s playing the Metro and I want an interview and some pics. You got a camera with you?” I couldn’t speak; I was so excited as The Cure was one of my favorite bands ever. I told her I had a camera and she told me she’d put me on the list. “You wanna bring anyone,” she asked and my mind went to Allison. 

“If you put me down for two and I can’t find anyone…” I trailed off and she tisked. “Then you don’t use the ticket. I don’t care. You’ll have to interview before the show, which I have you booked at 5, and the show starts at 7. You have the first three songs to take pics and then you have to go back into the crowd or wherever. The pass should be all access. Anyway, I want, at least, two pages worth with pictures. So be candid in the interview and while they perform and such.”

“Mindy, you’re the best boss ever.”

“Yeah,” she said, “remember that as you’re listening to the next couple cd’s I’m sending you.”

“That bad?” Normally when she’d say things like that, the bands were total crap but she made a “meh” sound before letting me know that there may be one good one but, I’m the reviewer. “That’s why I pay you-your opinion, not mine.   
Now, I gotta go.” Mindy and I said our good-byes and hung up. 

I ended up looking in the phone book to find Allison. When I found what I thought was the number, I figured I’d try it. I mean, it was the only one in the book. After a couple rings, she answered. “Hello?”

“Allison?” I asked unsure if I had dialed correctly or whatever.

“Yes. Who’s calling?”

“Um, Charlie.”

“Charlie?” Great, not her too. 

“Yeah, um, Charlie Riley?” I waited for a beat before I heard her gasp and squeal into the receiver. 

“RILES?! Andy! Charlie Riley’s on the phone! Oh my God! How are you?!” I had to laugh at her excitement. It was cute and made me smile. It made me realize how much I missed her.

“I’m good. How are you?”

“Besides knocked up?”

“Knocked up?” 

She laughed, “Yeah, Andy knocked me up.”

“How far along,” I asked, but I already knew a few of the answers to these questions thanks to…

“Oh about three months, now. I don’t look like it, but if you go to lunch me, you’ll definitely know something was off.”

“Still pixie-stix and cap ‘n’ crunch sandwiches?”

“Ha, no. But I do eat pickles and ice cream,” and I made a bleh sound before she said, “Hey, don’t knock it until you try it. I like to throw anchovies in it too.” I made a fake gagging sound before I heard Andy shout, “Riles, it’s soo grody man,” which made me laugh.

“Andy says hi, by the way,” she said and I heard Andy say it for real in the background. 

“God, it’s so good to hear your voice, good to hear you guys are still together.”

“Yeah,” she sighed blissfully, “so what about you? How’s life? Where are you now? Any men? Tell me EVERYTHING!”

“Don’t you have friends,” I asked teasingly. 

“They’re all the wives of Andy’s friends and you know what kind of girls they are. They’re all pretentious and are like,   
faking their niceness all over me because I’m pregnant and, ugh, I hate it. I just, I hate it.” 

“Well, I actually write for a magazine. I do the music column.”

“Oh very cool! You were always a good writer,” she said enthusiastically. I remembered showing her some of my stuff   
but I didn’t think she thought much of it so, to hear her praise it warmed my heart. 

“Aww, thanks,” I said. “Well, I do that, and um, no guys,” lie, I thought to myself before continuing, “and um, actually, I’m back in Shermer.” 

Allison gasped again before blurting out, “ohmygodhowlonghaveyoubeenhere?!?”

“Um, not sure what you asked so I’m gonna go out on a limb and say a month?”

“You’ve been in Shermer a month and you’re just calling NOW? S’matter with you Riles?! I can’t believe we haven’t   
grabbed coffee yet! Well, decaf for me but, you know.”

“Well, actually, that’s kinda why I’m calling. Are you free Saturday from, like, noon until later?”

“How much later,” she asked.

“Well, I have to go to this show for work and I have an extra ticket and I think you’d have a blast and there’s really no one else I’d rather go with. I was thinking we could grab some lunch and go to the show? I’ll drive and pay, so no worries.”

“That sounds like a plan, but who are we seeing?”

“Oh, The Cure.” There was a long silence as I knew there would be considering Allison was the one who introduced me to the band. She was definitely a bigger Cure fan than I was and I considered myself a pretty big fan. 

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah. I kinda have to, um, like, take pictures and interview them and stuff.”

“Wait, I get to meet Robert Smith? The Robert Smith?” I assured her she would and she screamed into the phone causing me to pull the receiver as far away from my ear as possible. I could hear her telling Andy who told her how great that was before she composed herself. “Yes, Riley, I would love to join you for that.” She sounded so proper that I couldn’t help laughing. 

“Okay, well, I will pick you up around 12 and we’ll head into the city and we can hang out before the show.” 

“Sounds amazing!” She was so stoked. We didn’t really talk much more, but she gave me her address so I knew where to pick her up on Saturday and said we’d talk more then. I love how, when you talk to certain people, you immediately feel better about everything going on in life. I remembered something he had said about Brian being in the city and wondered if I could get a hold of him. I figured I’d try tomorrow and see if maybe he wanted to meet us up there for lunch. I couldn’t stop smiling. I missed her and Andy and Brian so much. If I felt this good after talking to them, seeing them again was going to feel amazing. 

When I left after graduation, I knew I was going to miss them but I didn’t know how much. For years, I wasted my time reflecting on all the bullshit I went through in high school and the people that treated me like shit that it never dawned on me that, when high school was over and the bullies went away, that my friends might too. There’s nothing you can do to stop that-people grow up, have lives, fall in love, etc. For all the bad shit that happened in high school, I had some of the best friends a girl could ask for with these guys. It’s like the song, “don’t know whatcha got til it’s gone.”

Another week passed, still no word from Bender. I sighed as I lay in bed thinking about it. I have to move forward, I thought. Besides, he’s not the reason I came out here. I came because I had to help care for my Dad, not to fall in love with my high school crush who seemingly wants nothing more from me than sex. I shrugged and looked at my alarm clock-9:45 AM. Probably should get up and get ready.

I was able to get a hold of Brian who was just as excited, if not more, to hear from me and find that I was in town. 

“I’m sorry to hear about your Dad being sick but I’m so happy you’re back in Shermer!”

“Says the guy working in a high rise in Chicago,” I laughed. He tisked and we talked a little bit more before he said he’d meet us around 1 at the Sears Tower. I got ready, called Allison to see if she was ready, and let my Ma and Dad know I was leaving. 

Allison actually lived on the same street her parents did, just a block or two away. When I knocked, she looked the exact same, dressed head to toe in black, the only color coming from the white button up she had on that only peaked through the layers of darkness. Her hair was out of her face though and longer and was currently pulled into a braid that she wore over her shoulder. Her makeup, while still relying on the black palette, wasn’t as messy or smudged as it was in High School. As soon as she saw me, she jumped and pulled me into a hug. “ANDY! SHE’S HERE!! I can’t believe it! You look amazing!”

“Aw, thanks,” I smiled meekly as Andy walked into the room. He was a little chunkier, but he didn’t look bad at all.   
He wore a “Shermer Athletic Dept.” t-shirt and a pair of worn jeans. When he pulled me into a hug, I noticed he smelled the same as he had in high school. (The little things you remember.) “Good to see you, Riley. You look good. Lost some weight?” Allison looked at him mortified and stomped on his toe. He cried out in pain as her facial expression contorted into a smile. “Andy, you can’t ask a woman about her weight.”

“Oh no,” I assured, “it’s ok. Yes, Andy, I did. 25 pounds. So, yay,” I said with a smile. The two of them smiled before 

Allison turned to Andy and gave him a peck on the cheek. “Sorry Sporto.” Allison grabbed her purse and screamed, “LOVE YOU,” as she walked out the door to my car. 

“I guess that’s my cue to leave, too” I laughed.

“Guess so. Have fun, and really, it was good to see you Riles. How long you staying?”

“In Shermer?” I asked and Andy nodded. “Um, I dunno.”

“Well, we’d really like it if you stopped by more often. I know Allison would. Not that I wouldn’t like that as well, but you know, you all are closer and…” he kinda trailed off thinking he had said too much or over stepped his bounds but I understood what he meant and nodded. 

“It’s ok. I’d like it too. I’ve basically been hanging out with my folks the last month or so.”

“Jesus, what a drag,” Andy said as I turned to leave. 

“Yeah, well, see ya,” and Andy nodded from the door way as I made my way to the car.

“So,” Allison asked as I put my seat belt on. She was already buckled and bouncing with excitement. “Did you get in touch with Brian?” I let her know I did and she was even more anxious. 

The drive there was pretty nice. We talked about college and past jobs. I acted completely surprised when she told me she, and Andy actually, worked at Shermer. She talked about how she and Andy planned to get married after the baby was born, but she still wasn’t sure if she should have a big wedding because she knew her parents wouldn’t show. She asked if I’d be there, whenever it was, and of course, I said yes. Basically just casual conversation all while I had secretly prayed to God that she wouldn’t ask me about Bender.

Not too much traffic on the Dan Ryan for midday so we got into the city a bit faster than I thought. I found a place to park by the Sears Tower about a block away. Once we made it to the large open area with the infamous Picasso, we found a place to sit and people watch, considering we still had about 20 minutes to kill. “So, you know, Bender didn’t leave Shermer either.”

Dammit.

“Oh yeah,” I said not taking my eyes off the random stranger, anything to divert my attention elsewhere. “I’m not surprised.” And I shrugged.

“He changed a lot you know.” Psht, I thought, what did SHE know? He still had the mind of a teenager. “He has! After his Dad died, he and his mom got a long really well. They still do, and she helped him get into a trade school. He fixes cars now at Mike’s.” Allison looked at me but I was still doing my best to look anywhere else. “He dated Claire after high school, too, you know.” That got my attention and I quickly turned my head to her. Her look said, “that got your attention.” “Oh yeah,” she said, acting casually, “Decided to give him another go. That lasted a month until the bitch basically stomped his heart out again.”

“Why’d he even go back with her?”

“Well, I guess she was dating Mark Pfieffer right after graduation and they had this big fight and he was the first person she called. They were pretty hot and heavy right off the bat, from what I heard, but it never went anywhere. After about a month, Claire went back to Mark but was keeping Bender on the side and when Bender found out, he went ballistic. There was an ultimatum, Claire chose Mark, Bender went on a bender, which I’m only now seeing the irony in his name. Anyway, Andy found him out drinking one night and they actually got into a fist fight.”

“Really?” I gotta tell you, this story had me on edge. He had failed to mention all of this to me, which only proved to me just how much I didn’t know about him. 

“Yeah, almost broke Andy’s nose. But,” and she sighed, “Andy let him stay at our place a couple nights and he kinda sobered up a bit. I haven’t talked to him in a while but last I heard, he was ok. Still working at Mike’s. He sees Andy about once a week and they catch up and stuff-strange how friendships and stuff happen over time. I would’ve never thought they’d be friends.”

“Ok, but to be fair, I never thought you and Andy-“ and I kinda trailed off while she nodded.

“That’s fair. Can’t choose who we fall for, you know? I’m happy, Andy’s happy,” and she thought for a moment. 

“We’re in a good place.” She nodded and smiled to herself before she gasped. “We should hook you up with BENDER!”

“No.”

“Oh c’mon! It’s been, what, 7 years since you guys graduated? He’s changed but he’s still got that bad boy allure   
about him,” she laughed as I rolled my eyes. She was right about that. “He’s been single for ages now. He gets a girlfriend for a bit but they never last and, hey, maybe there’s some unrequited love on his part that only you can fill!” Doubtful, I thought as I continued to listen to her ramble. “Maybe HE had a crush on you!” He did, I thought and the past tense of the word stung. “Oh my GOD, that would be so perfect! Then you could stay in Shermer and we could all get old and fat together and DIE!” Jesus, I thought and chuckled at the thought. 

“ALLISON! CHARLIE!” Oh thank God, I thought as I heard Brian shout from about 50 feet away. I almost didn’t recognize the man before me, who was, like Bender, an entire foot taller now. He wasn’t a string bean any longer, having swapped that for a more muscular physique. His voice was deeper too, but not much in comparison to what I remember from high school. He brought us both into a huge hug as soon as he reached us. 

“Wow. You both look incredible! It’s so good to see you!” He was gushing and it was adorable to watch. He was such a genuinely kind hearted person, you could see it radiate off him. That’s the best way I could describe it. “So, where should we go? My treat!”

We ended up at this small Italian bistro not too far from the Sears Tower. It was crowded for about 10 minutes before the lunch crowd dissipated and we were one of only a hand full of people who stayed. We both filled Brian in on all the happenings of life and enjoyed our pasta primavera and such. Allison told Brian the news of her pregnancy and he grinned from ear to ear. 

“I’m so happy for you, Allison. Really, if you guys need anything-wait, lemme give you my card. You guys call me,” and Brian reached into his wallet and pulled out a couple cards, one for Allison and one for me. “What about you Charlie, you seeing anyone yet?”

“Nope,” I shrugged.

“I told her I wanted to hook her up with John, but,” and Allison stopped when she saw Brian’s face. “What,” she asked in a concerned tone. 

“I talked to him yesterday. He gave me a call and asked about a job up here.” What, I thought to myself? I had this overwhelming feeling of anger and guilt at the news. What the HELL could he do for a computer company? Did what I say scare him so badly that he’s considering leaving Shermer because of it?

“What did he say,” I asked pointedly. Allison looked at me, her face asking if I knew something she didn’t. Brian, who looked confused, threw his hands up in defeat, “Honestly, he said he needed a change. I said I’d look into something but that was it. When I asked him what happened, because I haven’t talked to Bender in, gosh, years now, he said ‘Don’t worry about it, Dork. Just call me if you hear something.’” His Bender impression was awful but I could hear John saying those words in my head and it hurt. 

“Riles,” Allison chimed in noticing how I was reacting to the news. “What happened?” I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “How much time you got,” I asked the two and began to explain everything that happened between Bender and I, from the shop to the last time I spoke to him, which by now, a week and a half or so had passed.

“Jesus, Riles. When were you gonna say something,” Allison asked.

“Never, I hoped.”

“Well, do you want something to happen between you two?”

“I mean, yeah, but I don’t want this whole ‘let’s just fuck’ bullshit that seems to be increasing among people of our   
generation. That’s fucking bogus and makes everyone look like a bunch of cowards. People don’t want to commit to anyone and why? You don’t wanna be hurt? Bullshit. It’s all bullshit. I beat myself up for days over whether or not I should’ve just thrown caution to the wind and slept with him but I want more than that. If he doesn’t, I can’t force him to stick around but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna stick around either. Fuck that,” and I threw my napkin on the table before placing my head in my hands. Allison hugged me and Brian moved from his chair to a chair closer to mine to do the same and the two of them stayed there as I cried. It was like high school all over again. I sighed and used the napkin I had just threw on the table to wipe my eyes and looked to Allison who nodded letting me know my makeup wasn’t too bad. I looked at Brian who used his own napkin to wipe a tear away. 

“You ok,” Brian asked and I nodded. “Good. Listen, I know John better than you two might think and, he’s not going anywhere. He’s done this before, and you know, I never told you, but I can vouch that he had feelings for you in high school.”

“And you didn’t say anything to her,” Allison barked.

“It’s JOHN, Allison. Did you believe half the shit that came out of his mouth? I never knew if he was making fun of me or telling me how he really felt!” 

“He’s got you there, Allison,” I said as I tried to pull myself together. She nodded and rubbed my back. 

“I’m sorry, Riles. Maybe he’ll come to his senses and, if he doesn’t, fuck him. Not literally, but you know,” and I had to laugh at Allison’s words. 

We finished lunch on a better note and we bid Brian farewell. He told us that he wanted to come down next weekend for dinner with all of us and we agreed. He told us he had some kind of surprise and we told him we couldn’t wait. 

……

Allison walked around for about an hour before we got back in the car and headed to the Metro, which was about a half an hour away. When we got there, I presented all the credentials and got our passes. A kid named Ralph let us in and took us into the venue to listen to the Cure finish up their sound check. 

They sounded incredible and I thought Allison was going to melt into a pile of goo when Ralph let the band know who we were and what magazine. Robert Smith was the first to talk to us. 

“Hello,” he said. Allison couldn’t speak and I, the one who isn’t usually starstruck, just shook his hand silently. 

“Everything alright,” he asked which brought me out of my daze.

“Yes, sorry. Charlotte Riley, this is Allison Reynolds. I hope you don’t mind I brought her along but she’s my photographer and a fan.”

“Ah, lovely to meet you both. Uh, shall we head to the green room?” I was kinda intimidated as I had heard how much he didn’t like the whole interview process but he seemed to open up as the interview progressed and it went very   
well, despite me thinking I wasn’t going to be able to talk to him. I asked him if Allison could take a couple candids during the interview and he agreed. We talked about everything, from the new album to some of the past stuff and how he liked Chicago, etc. and then we parted ways for the show. 

As expected, the show was fantastic and they finished up with “Friday, I’m in Love,” which is such an amazing song but it reminded me of Bender. I don’t know why, but it did and as Allison danced about like Stevie Nicks, I just stood in the back of the venue and listened to the lyrics and thought, that’s what I want. I want that unconditional love and knew I had done the right thing standing my ground with Bender. 

I just hoped he felt the same. 

…

The car ride home basically consisted of Allison and I blaring the Cure and singing loudly all down the expressway. When we finally made it back into Shermer, it was a little after midnight. As I pulled into the driveway and put the car in park, Allison turned to me with a sad look on her face.

“Riles, thank you for tonight.”

“You’re most welcome, Allison,” I sighed and smiled.

“Listen, John Bender is a lot of things. We could sit here all night talking about it, but at the end of the day, he’s a fucking idiot if he doesn’t at least take a chance with you. You’re an amazing person and an even better friend. You’d be good for him, Riles. He’d be good for you but if he’s gonna be a stubborn ass, that’s his problem. Don’t lose any more sleep over it.” Her words made me smile but there was still a small pang in my stomach. I missed him.   
I had created all these ridiculous scenarios as I reveled in those two days and in an instant, it was dashed away. I sighed and looked at my steering wheel as I took in her words. “Thanks Allison,” I said, not looking at her and there was a knock at the window which scared the hell out of both of us. Allison looked out her window and back at me with her eyes wide. I mouthed, “what,” as she rolled the window down and Bender leaned in.

“Hey there, cupcake,” he said and looked to Allison. “Reynolds,” he said tipping an imaginary hat. You could smell the booze coming off of him. 

 

“Bender,” she said and looked back to me but honestly, I couldn’t look away from my steering wheel. It had suddenly become the most interesting thing in the whole world. I looked to Allison’s front door and saw Andy standing there waiting to jump in if need be. 

“Hey,” Bender said and he whistled to me, trying to get my attention, “Can I talk to you?” My stomach hurt like I was going to throw up all over the car. I wanted to be angry and cry and scream and yell and flee; so many extreme emotions happening all at once. I heard Allison say something about, “She doesn’t wanna talk now, Bender,” but he wasn’t letting up. 

“Reynolds, I like you but this isn’t about you. Riley,” he said but I started to feel like I was hyperventilating. 

“Charlotte,” he said in a small, broken voice and I looked to him. He was drunk and emotional. I looked back at Andy who shrugged and moved further from the door onto the top of their stairs. “Charlotte,” Bender pleaded, “please, can we just talk? I don’t give a shit where, just hear me out.”

I sighed and felt Allison’s hand on my arm. “You can do this inside if you want. Andy and I will leave you guys alone, but at least we will be there if anything happens,” and Bender scoffed.

“Reynolds, I can hear you and nothing’s gonna fucking happen-“

“HEY!” Andy finally reached the bottom of the stairs and stepped in, “Why don’t we just do this after you slept it off John, huh?”

“No, Sporto, we’re doing this now.” Allison went to open the car door and push him away but he shut the door, keeping her in the car. “BACK UP JOHN!” She shouted and, before we knew it, Andy had wrestled him to the ground. I couldn’t watch this play out anymore so I got out of the car as Allison shouted for Andy to let him go. I walked around the front of the car to see Bender in a head lock on the ground. “BENDER!” I shouted and the boys stopped scuffling. Andy got up, as did John, and the three, Allison from the car, stared at me. The neighbor’s porch light turned on to watch the commotion and I tried my best to remain perfectly calm. 

“Bender, let’s go inside and talk. Ok? Is that what you want?”

“Did I stutter,” he said as he shrugged Andy’s hands off his arms and made his way to the house. Bender flung the screen door open and walked into the living room, I followed closely behind. He stopped in the middle of the living room and swung himself around to face me. 

“What Bender,” I asked quietly. I heard the screen door open behind me as Allison and Andy entered. “What do you want to say?”

“Ok,” he said as he kind swayed forward and backwards,” First of all,” he pointed, “I want to tell you that I’m sorry for, for not calling you.” I stuck my hip out and placed my hand on it. Really, I thought.

“Apology accepted,” I shrugged, “Is that it?”

“No, would you-sheesh. I don’t, I’m not-“and I watched as Bender tried to form the right words. I heard Andy telling Allison how he had showed up about a half an hour before we got home and how he wouldn’t shut up about me. 

“Listen, Riles, I’m a fuck up, man, I don’t-I work as a fucking mechanic. You’re successful. You went to college, and, you meet bands and probably have, like famous fucking friends and made something of yourself. You got the fuck outta Shermer. You’re a whole helluva lot smarter than we are-no offense guys,” and I looked to Andy and Allison who kinda shrugged it off. “I like you, Charlotte, a lot. And you, you’re so good you know? Like, you’re the best, top of the line, grade A fucking steak and I can’t afford you.” I didn’t know whether to be flattered or offended. That must have translated on my face because he quickly said, “No, that’s not what I meant. I, fuck,” and he ran his head through his hair before crossing his arms over his chest and making a “huff,” sound. “Charlotte, you’re everything I could ever want. You’re incredible and anyone would be lucky enough to have you but like, I don’t deserve you.” He looked crushed and he looked down at the ground. “So, you know, I never really thought you’d give me the time of day, Riley. Then you did and I thought, ‘wow, ok, cool, wonder how long this one’s gonna last.’ My track record ain’t so good, Riles. I wanted it too last, still do, but then all these memories from school and shit and, it never ends well with me, you know? So I thought, I dunno what I thought, Riles. And then you said what you said and I, I panicked.”

“I was right,” I sighed. He looked up at me with a hurt look in his eyes. “I told you. You don’t know me at all.” I moved towards him, expecting him to back up, but he stood still. I stopped about a foot or so away from him and looked up into his eyes. 

“No, I don’t, I guess,” he said.

“Do you want to,” I asked and he redirected his attention back at me.

“What?”

“Do you want to get to know me,” He looked at me as if I was speaking a different language. “I’d like to get to know   
you, but I can’t do that if you’re gonna waste time assuming how I’m gonna react to things or how I am period. You have questions, ask me. You want the truth? Ask me, and I’d expect the same in return, that’s all,” and I reached up to touch his face but he took a step back. He squinted his eyes at me as if he was looking at some mythical and unusual creature. “I’m not gonna back down from this, John. I’m not like all the other girls you’ve dated and if you get into this thinking that I am, then let’s end this now.” I could hear myself breathing, that’s how heavy it was and the tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. He was breathing heavily too, I noticed by the flared nostrils. 

He did that intense stare again, but instead of looking away, I maintained eye contact. This time, he was the one who broke it, looking behind me to Andy and Allison and then back at me and he took a step closer toward me, the distance between us closing more and more until he stood directly in front of me. I looked up at him and he looked me over as if he were studying every part of my face. He leaned in slowly, testing the waters, to see if I’d move away from his kiss, but I didn’t. I let it happen and, like the other times before, it was simplistic and sweet. I broke away and swept the hair that had fallen on his forehead back as he leaned in to press his forehead against mine.

“Ok Cupcake,” He grinned.


	4. Chapter 4

For the next week or so leading up to Christmas, Bender and I hung out practically every day. As much as I thought it would be really awkward at times, it wasn’t and there were many a times where he’d, out of nowhere, hold my hand and I just let it happen. I really did like Bender, but the more time I spent with him, the more I started falling for him. He had a tough exterior and, sure, he was an asshole or a hard ass when he needed to be, but for the most part, he was a good guy. I mean, he teased me here and there but nothing I couldn’t handle or dish back out. 

He met my parents too and while Ma still had her doubts about him, she did her best not to show it. What surprised me the most was how well he and Dad got along, talking about a number of things from cartoons to movies. (Bender apparently “dug” movies. We had been to a couple since hanging out which was fun.) It was in moments like this, watching him interact with my parents or seeing him hold the door open for people or seeing him interact with kids, which I had seen him do recently when Berta and her brood came into town, which made me really fall in love with him. In these moments, he was most vulnerable and it was in these moments where I saw his true self. I loved it. I loved him. 

Christmas Eve, Bender came over to have dinner with my family, which proved to be a lot more fun than I thought, especially when he not only opted for the kids table, but he taught Berta’s little boys how to properly hock a lugey in the air and catch it. Berta was thoroughly disgusted and I was delighted. I laughed when I heard Berta gag, earning a wink from Bender. 

After dinner, I excused myself, letting Ma know I’d be back in a moment to help her clean up. I had managed to make it outside for a second before I felt a flannel being draped over my shoulders. Bender stepped from around me and dug a cigarette out of the pocket, offering me one in the process. I shrugged and accepted as he took out a second one, placed them both in his mouth, and lit them before passing one to me. I took a drag and had a coughing fit. “Oh my God,” I gasped and coughed while Bender laughed. 

“S’matter, Cupcake? Can’t handle the red?”

“No wonder the Marlboro man is dead. Jesus,” I said and spit onto the ground before taking another drag, but not as deep this time. 

“You know, you don’t have to keep smoking it on my account,” He said and he went to remove it from my mouth but I turned away. “No, it’s cool,” I said, “I’ll finish it. I’m getting used to it now, but I’ll be honest, I’ll stick to my menthols.” Bender made a “blech” sound accompanied by a look of disgust. 

“Menthols,” and he shivered as I laughed. “Hey, Riley?” I could feel a shift in his tone, Bender was about to get serious. I hadn’t seen this serious side of him since Andy and Allison’s place a week ago. It had been relatively light hearted since then. “This was fun.”

“What, dinner?” I asked and he nodded. He stuck his cigarette back in his mouth and began to dig in his pockets again. He pulled out a small box wrapped in newspaper and held it out. I looked from the box to him and I immediately jumped to conclusions. He shook the box at me to take it before saying, “It’s not that, just, open it Riley.” I hadn’t realized my inner thoughts had been so loud. I took the box and tore the newspaper off of it revealing a cardboard box. I opened it and gasped.   
When I looked up at him, he was focused on the contents of the box. “You,…” and I trailed off as a flood of memories returned to me.

….

“These are gonna be so bitchin’,” Allison said as she lit the needle on fire again before sticking it through the rounded part of a purple guitar pick. It only took her a moment to stick a small silver hoop through the hole that was connected to a small chain with an earring hook at the end of it. “Voila,” she said in a sing song voice as she held up two completed earrings for me to wear. 

“They look amazing, Allison,” I said as I admired the craftsmanship. 

“Thank you,” she said proudly, “I’ve been making these and selling them on campus. Pretty neat, huh?” She moved closer to me as I stood in the mirror and put the   
earrings on. I loved them, more because they were made by my best friend, but they were also really cool looking. 

Allison, who’d been back in town for first time since going away to college, was having a get together at her house tonight seeing as her folks were out of town. It wasn’t just a get together, but also a final hurrah to celebrate Brian and I leaving for college, and the best part was, Bender was going to be there. I think Allison and Brian thought it would be the perfect opportunity for him and me to talk? I dunno, but she spent a lot of energy on having me look a certain way and while, I’ll admit, my current ensemble of a flannel and baggy jeans was cute, it wasn’t me. She and I went back in forth in my bedroom looking for the “perfect” outfit and settled on regular jeans and a t-shirt. I figured I’d bring the damn flannel anyway as Allison was so adamant that I wear it, but she had full control of the makeup. 

“Black shit,” I said looking at her handy work.

“Hey, I like that black shit. Besides, at least it’s something. You never wear anything,” she said, blowing her bangs out of her face. “We should probably put your hair up,” she nodded but I shook my head no. In the end, she won. We both walked back to her house just as Andy and Brian showed up. I heard Allison ask Andy where   
Bender was which made me assume he was supposed to pick him up but Andy said real quietly, “He wasn’t there. I don’t think he’s coming.” I tried my best to act like I hadn’t heard them and walked into Allison’s house and headed straight to the bathroom. As I looked at my appearance in her mirror, I didn’t recognize anything I saw and that was when the tears started to flow. What exactly were you expecting to happen, I thought to myself as I frantically wiped the black shit and makeup from my face. Did you just expect for him to come running and fall for you? You’ve hardly talked to him! This isn’t like the movies, Charlie, this is real life and shit like that just doesn’t happen. If it did, it surely isn’t happening to girls like you. I pulled my hair down and, with all the hairspray; it looked like a wild mess. Considering I had curly hair, the last thing I wanted to do was brush it so I braided it to the side loosely and pulled it over my shoulder. I splashed some cold water on my face and heard a light knock at the door. “Riley?” It was Allison. “You ok,” she asked as I tried to silent my sobs. 

“Ye, yeah, I’m good. I think the eyeliner is affecting my eyes so I washed it off.” That’s the best lie I could come up with and I could hear Allison sigh. She knew I was lying too, but wasn’t going to push it. I dried my face with the nearest towel and looked at myself again. The only thing still left of Allison’s version of me were the guitar pick earrings. I sighed and exited the bathroom but no one was outside the door waiting for me. As I walked down the hall and looked into the living room, I saw them all sitting around watching tv, Allison was on the phone ordering pizza, and in the recliner facing away from me was Bender. He turned around and looked at me over the top of the recliner. “Riiiiiley,” he said and his eyes were bloodshot. “I dig the earrings,” he said as he got up from the chair and walked over. “Your eyes are red-have you been smoking without me? I thought we had a promise, Riley.” I looked at him and to the rest of them before chuckling. “Um, ha, no, I had something in my eye.”

“You sure,” He asked and smirked. I nodded, “Oooookay, Riley, but if you’re cheatin’ on me, I’m gonna be really upset.” He smiled and lightly punched my arm before heading back to the recliner. For the rest of the night, we sat around watching late night horror movies and eating pizza.   
In the middle of “Redneck Werewolves from Planet Hicksville,” I surveyed the room. Brian was asleep at one end of the couch; Andy and Allison were curled up together at the other end. I was on the floor and, from my view, Bender was asleep as well. I looked at my watch and saw it was a little after 2AM, so I figured I’d walk home but when I stood up, I felt a hand grab my arm causing me to turn quickly. “Where you goin’?” Bender asked in a whisper. 

“I was gonna walk home,” I said. 

“Need some company?” I shrugged and grabbed a scrap piece of paper to let Allison know I walked home. I was happy I brought the flannel, because it was actually   
kinda chilly for a summer night. As soon as we made it outside the door, Bender lit a cigarette and we headed in the direction of my house. “So Riley, we survived.”

“Huh?”

“High school.”

“We did, though it was looking pretty rough for you for a while there,” I laughed and he chuckled. 

“Fair assumption. God, I’m just glad it’s fucking over and done with. No more fucking Vernon. FUCKING DICK,” he shouted and I shh’d him as he giggled. “Oh, right, sorry.”

I shrugged, “It’s ok,” and we continued walking in silence for a bit before he said, “So, what now?”

“Well, I leave for Berkeley tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow as in later today or like, tomorrow tomorrow,” he asked. 

“Tomorrow tomorrow,” I answered and he nodded. 

“What’s in Berkeley?”

“I dunno. It’s not Shermer and I got a scholarship.”

“Doing what,” he asked.

“Writing. I wanna do creative writing but I’m thinking journalism too. I dunno,” he nodded in understanding. “What about you? What’s the future hold for John Bender?”

“Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll, I hope,” I tisked as he laughed, “What?”

“Is there anything you wanna do with your life?”

“I dunno about things I wanna do-there’s a few girls I’d like to do, though,” and I sighed as we had finally reached my house. “Hey,” he said as he looked through his   
bangs down at me, “kidding. To answer your question,” he continued as he flicked his hair from out of his face, “I dunno. I need to get away from my Dad but it’s not like I have the money or grades for college so I’ll probably get some dead end job until my parents croak and I can move away.”

“Sheesh, I’m sorry Bender,” and I meant it but he shrugged like it was nothing. 

“Such is life,” he sighed. “Well, Riley, it has been a pleasure,” and he went to hug me. I felt a slight tug at my ear and assumed his jean jacket had snagged the pick but when he had pulled away from me, he looked at my ear, squinting. “You’re missing an earring.”

“Oh no,” I said and immediately looked on the ground to see if I had lost it. “I can’t see it,” I sighed, visibly upset as those were a gift from Allison. “Is it on your jacket,” I asked and I moved closer to look at his shoulders of his jacket. I didn’t realize just how close we were until I heard his breath hitch and I stopped moving. I pulled myself away from his shoulder slowly and my gaze met his, his eyes were dark and I felt myself beginning to breathe in, like, pants. As we looked at each other for a beat, I thought to myself “Riley this is IT!!! It’s gonna happen! You’re about to get your first real kiss,” but as soon as I closed my eyes I heard John say in a whisper, 

“I’m gonna head back to Reynolds house. I can look for it if you want.” My eyes opened again and I nodded, bringing myself down from my tippy toes, and taking a step back away from him. “Good luck, Cupcake,” he smirked.

“You too, John,” and with that, he turned and walked back down towards Allison’s house. 

Ugh, I thought, you are soooo stupid. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die; I had made a huge fool of myself to John Bender. I’m such an idiot.

….

I couldn’t believe it. In the box was the other purple guitar pick earring that I had thought I lost forever that night before I left for school. “How did you-where did you find it?”

“I snagged it,” he said nonchalantly. 

“So that’s what the tugging was,” I said.

“Yeah,” he took a final drag of his cigarette and flicked it into the yard.

“So, you kept it, this whole time?” 

“Yep, so what?”

“Why?”

“I dunno. I think it’s a klepto thing.”

“Or that you wanted something of mine before I left.”

“What? Psht,” he tisked and put his hand into his jacket, “That’s,” and he started to stumble on his words, “That’s not why.”

“Why then,” I smirked as I watched him look everywhere else but at me. 

“Because, I wanted it,” he said and finally made eye contact with me again, but I wasn’t buying it. 

“Bender? Truth,” I said as I slowly walked over to him and he sighed. 

“Alright, yes. I took it as a memento of a fabulous walk,” and I began to laugh hysterically. “What? What’s so funny,” he asked.

“It’s just, you’re a terrible liar” I said.

“It’s true, I took it from you as a memento,” he said,”to remember you. Once you said you were leaving for California, I just assumed you’d never be back, so I took it,   
so sue me!” Bender on the defense like this was cute and I stood on my tippy toes and kissed his cheek. 

“It’s incredibly thoughtful and I’m glad you kept it for me. Really, this is amazing,” I said, closing the box back up and holding it in one hand while I flicked my cigarette   
to the yard. “Now, c’mon. It’s cold and Ma’s gonna kill me,” I said and the two of us went back into the house.


	5. Chapter 5

Bender and I sat upstairs in my room, the only light came from the Christmas lights around my window from the outside. Lights Bender had put up at the request of my father who would’ve done it himself had he had the ability to do so. I had my head on his chest as the sounds of Psychedelic Furs played through my speakers at a low volume. I had my focus on the light snow fall as Bender played with my hair. I was almost asleep when I felt Bender take a deep breath and exhale. I turned to look at him. 

He had been staring at the ceiling until I had turned to face him and his gaze shifted to me. “What,” he asked. 

“Nothing, you exhaled, I thought maybe you wanted to say something,” and he shifted his body to lie on his side, I did the same so that now we were facing each other. 

“I was just thinking…”

“Yeah,” I said as I snuggled my head into my pillow.

“This is nice. Like, it’s new and kinda scary, but you know,” he trailed off.

“Nice,” I helped and he kinda chuckled. “Yeah,” he nodded as he shifted to lie on his back but I sensed there was more he wanted to say so I waited for a beat but, when   
he didn’t say anything, I sighed.

“What,” he asked.

“I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me,” and I touched his chest. He moved his hand from his right side and placed it over mine and moved it to his heart. He shifted his gaze from the ceiling back to me and his eyes said everything. While I was familiar with the look, I hadn’t seen it on his face before. It was the look I had been giving him lately, that look of love. You could see it in his eyes as he laid there looking at me. He began to breathe heavily through flared nostrils and I could feel his heart beat faster. This was scary for both of us. What if this didn’t work out or if this was just a passing fling? I mean, were we living on a past idea?  
And then I thought to myself, it’s unfair to chastise someone for doing something when I had been doing the same thing. He wasn’t like the other guys I had dated and it wasn’t fair to pass judgments. I was so scared that he’d never love me the way I loved him that, as I laid there looking at him shake in terror at the things he was feeling, that I never thought of how I’d feel once I was absolutely sure that he felt the exact same way I did. I too was absolutely terrified and unsure where to go from this point. 

As my breathing became slow, I moved closer to him and kissed him, slowly at first but as his tongue traced my bottom lip, I knew where this was going and, for the first time in a long time, I was ready. I opened my mouth and accepted his tongue as I felt his other hand move to the small of my back and pull me closer to him, his other hand not leaving from mine on his chest. As our kiss deepened, I moved my other hand to his hair and twirled it around. He stopped for a second and looked at me. Though no words were spoken, his face seemed to ask if what was about to happen was ok. When I nodded he sat up and brought me with him. I pulled my shirt off revealing only my bra, he followed suit, unbuttoning his flannel first and then removing the thermal shirt under it. I had only felt his chest through his shirt, but now that I was seeing it bare for the first time, I certainly wasn’t disappointed. Next, he stood up to remove his pants but, before he could undo them himself, I reached forward and undid the belt, the button, and finally pulled his pants down. He stood there in a pair of black boxers and white socks which made me giggle. He took notice and quickly removed them before smiling and tackling me on the bed. I smiled up at him and he smiled back at me. “You sure about this, Cupcake?”   
I bit my lip and nodded as he leaned forward to kiss me again. As he did, I could feel his hand caress up my leg, into my inner thigh, and as his fingers teased the outside of my underwear, I moaned into his mouth. This seemed to please him immensely as I could feel his member poking my other thigh.   
I pushed him up for a second and unhooked my bra. At first, he looked very confused but when I finally threw the fabric to the floor, he smiled and placed his face in between my breasts with a chuckle. I shook my head and giggled. “Yeah,” I asked and he smirked. “Yes,” he said, “Yes, God,” and he kissed the tip of my nose before moving his head back to my breasts. What I hadn’t expected were the swift movements of his fingers which were now deep inside of me, slowly moving in and out. Every so often, he’d curl them which caused me to groan even more and left me hungry for more. I managed to put my fingers in his hair and lightly tug to bring his mouth back up to mine. When he got there, I moved my hands to his shoulders and dug my nails. He had let out a small “yip” and bit the bottom of my lip. “Mm, John, I, I t-“ and he stopped. Either I was still in pre-orgasmic bliss or Bender was genuinely that fast, because he pulled my underwear off, his was off, there was a condom at the ready, and he was at my entrance before I could even process what was going on.   
He entered slowly and this low guttural moan came from his core as he filled me completely. His forehead met mine as he started with a slow thrust, “Ah, Riles,” and he just continued to thrust slowly as I moved my hand to behind his neck as if to hold on. As I nodded, he started to thrust faster and it felt good. Better than good, it felt amazing. The best part was, this was the best it had ever been for me, ever. He continued to speed up the pace as he moved to kiss me. “G-Bender, keep going,” I grunted as we finally hit a sort of rhythm and I just came undone. He came to a sudden stop and pulled out of me completely before thrusting in one final time letting me know he came. With his arms on either side of me, he hovered over me, not moving, and catching his breath as I moved his sweaty hair out of his face and giggled up at him. 

“I hope, you’re laughing because that was fun, Riley,” he said in between breaths. 

“That was incredible,” I assured him as I pushed myself up to kiss him. Finally able to move again, he stood up and I was able to catch a glimpse of his member. I honestly have no words save for holy shit. I only saw it briefly as he quickly pulled his boxers back up and went to the bathroom. I leaned over the opposite side of the bed and quickly grabbed his thermal to cover myself before opening a window to let the smell of sex and sweat out of the room. I stood up after opening the window and I felt him behind me, pulling me into him before kissing me on the head and wrapping his arms around me; his cock still at attention in the small of my lower back. 

“Jesus, already,” I giggled as I turned to face him and he lifted me up onto my desk. He nodded as his fingers found my sex again, he slowed traced circles around my clit as I whimpered. 

“Cupcake, we’ve got a lot of catching up to do,” And, without moving his fingers away from my clit, he thrust himself into me again and again causing me to grip the desk hard. Luckily for us, the folks and Berta’s brood had left for midnight mass but, seeing as the window was open, I still tried to be as quiet as possible. Without breaking any form of contact, Bender managed to pick me up and move us back to the bed. When we fell back, he did this sort of snarl which had me in hysterics. Of course, we got back on track quickly and finished together this time. We were able to get a couple more rounds in before everyone came back home, and each time was better than the last. 

Before the family came home, the two of us laid on my bed, I had my back on a pillow against the head board while John was draped across me with his head in my lap. 

As I sat there, playing with his hair, I listened to the sounds of Psychedelic Furs sing, “The Ghost of You,” and in that moment, I was blissfully happy and completely in love with the man laying in bed with me. “I love you, Bender.”

He sighed and said, “I know,” and I smacked him on the head. “Ow,” he laughed, “What?” 

“Oh,” I said sarcastically and in the best Bender impression I could muster up, “I know,” and he sat up and tickled me causing me to laugh and kick. I was no match for him as he quickly pinned me to the bed. There it was again, that intense stare followed by eyes filled with lust, “I love you too, Charlotte,” and I rolled my eyes as he kissed my forehead. Then he moved to my eye lids, taking the time to kiss each one before moving to my nose and my chin and finally to my mouth before deepening the kiss. The butterflies in my stomach were doing summersaults. He stopped when we heard a car door slam and some loud talking. “Shit,” Bender said as he immediately started to throw his clothes back on. I followed suit. “Shit, Bender, you want this shirt back,” I asked going to take it off but he grabbed my hand. “No, keep it. I’ll get it later.” He smirked and I noticed he was considerably dressed for such a short amount of time. I, however, was still in his shirt and underwear. I grabbed some sweatpants and an oversized sweater and went to make sure my hair wasn’t too messy. When I came back out, he was waiting for me. He had a grin on his face which made me blush. “What?”

“Nothing,” he said and he opened the door. I directed him to go out the back way so we wouldn’t run into any of the family. We made it outside the door and he immediately pulled out a cigarette before putting on his trench coat. He offered me one but I declined. I grabbed one of mine before having ran out the back door and went to light it, but Bender got to it before me. “Thanks,” I said and smiled. Bender looked shy for the first time in his life as he looked to the ground and quietly said, 

“You’re welcome,” and he looked back up at me. 

“Merry Christmas, John.”

“Merry Christmas, Riles.”


	6. Chapter 6

Brian, after having rescheduled the week prior, suggested we all meet up the day after Christmas for dinner. There was much discussion as to where we’d go, Andy suggesting classy while Allison suggested something exotic, Brian wanted Italian and Bender was hell bent on burgers so I suggest pizza. Unorthodox? Yes, but it was the one thing we could all decide on and so we all met up at Santorelli’s on the main drag in town. Allison and Andy arrived around the same time Bender and I did so we got a table for the five of us and waited. About 10 minutes passed before we saw this really beautiful woman walk through the door followed immediately by Brian. She waited for him to come in before grabbing his hand nervously. She looked really shy as she walked to the table and we all looked up to greet them. “Hey guys,” Brian said, “This is Jennifer. Jen, these are the guys.”

“And girls,” she said. Her voice was small and cute and she smiled as Brian went down the line of introducing us and we all shook hands before they took a seat. We ordered a pizza and a couple of beers and Brian talked about the drive down from Chicago. Brian asked about the show and Allison gushed about how much fun she had and how nice Robert Smith was and so on and so on and I simply nodded along to back up everything she was saying. Brian got up from the table to go speak to someone as we all sat around and wondered what he was up to. When he came back, he was followed by a waiter who was holding a bottle of champagne. “Guys, I just wanna say that, well, Jennifer and I are engaged,” and as Allison and I seemed to squeal in delight, Andy playfully punched Brian before pulling him in for a hug. 

Bender, to my surprise, got up and went to shake his hand. When he can back to sit beside me, he grabbed my hand under the table and squeezed it. I went to look at him but his focus was on Brian and Jennifer. 

The rest of the night went by beautifully. The ring was gorgeous, they had met at work, and she was ridiculously smart. The two of them had actually been together for about five years, but none of us had any idea. They looked blissfully happy and it made me smile knowing my friends, Allison and Andy included really, had all found happiness. Before we knew it, it was 10-10:30 and we all decided to head out. We waved to Brian and Jennifer, told Andy and Allison we’d see ‘em for New Years, and headed back to the Quattro. Bender pulled out a cigarette and went to open the door but I stopped him. I gave him a look and he nodded, choosing to lean against the car door. I stood beside him and lit one of my own. 

“So, that’s cool about Brian and Jennifer,” he said. I laughed. “What?”

“It’s just, weird, you know?” I said rubbing my hands together. “Everyone’s growing up and having babies.”

“Babies having babies,” Bender shouted and I laughed while trying to “shh” him at the same time. 

“What is it with you shouting late at night! That’s seemingly the only time you do it.” 

“I shout other times too,” He said leaning in but I poked him in the stomach and he backed away. 

“You weren’t really the one screaming, were you.”

“Nope,” and he added an extra emphasis on the “P” making a popping sound before taking another drag and I sighed just thinking about it. He chuckled, “We could do that again, you know.” 

“As nice as that would be, I kinda just wanna sleep. How are you never tired?”

“Babe, I’m always tired but I’m never too tired for sex,” he said as he took a final drag and flicked his cigarette. “Ready,” he asked and I flicked mine as well before we got in the car. 

“Berta’s family left, do you wanna sleep over?”

“Well, as nice as that would be, I kinda just wanna sleep,” he grinned and I rolled my eyes. 

“Alright, fine” I said and headed in the direction of his place. The whole ride to his house we didn’t really speak, just listened to the radio, which seemed to be playing some form of alternative rock. About a block away from his house, Bender had laced his fingers with mine and pulled my hand to his mouth to kiss it. I blushed; it was so sweet and unexpected.

I had only seen the outside of it, but from what I could remember of how it looked when we were in high school, it looked cleaner. I parked outside the house and he and I sat for a moment. There was a beat of silence before, “You think you’d wanna do that?”

“Do what,” I asked turning to meet his gaze.

“That whole thing-engagement, marriage, babies, blah blah blah,” and he looked as if he was going to gag as he kept saying stuff which made me laugh. 

“I mean, yeah, I’m human,” I said.

“I’m human to, though,” he said.

“You don’t want that,” I asked, trying my best to keep the conversation light hearted. Bender shrugged.

“I dunno. For a long time, I didn’t. I mean, why bring a kid into this fucked up world? I couldn’t afford it, and with my folks, well…I know how this story ends but, lately?” I watched him really think about what he wanted to say and remembered how he was with Berta’s kids, they loved him. I loved watching him play with them. I waited on baited breath for his response as he looked out at his house. “Lately, I’ve been thinking. I dunno, I think I’d be okay with it,” and he smiled. This made my heart flutter and I turned my body to look at him. 

“What are you saying,” I asked slowly and he just smiled.

“I’m just sayin’ that, if it happens, I’m okay with it, you know? I mean, I’m not like, asking you to marry me right now or anything, Cupcake, but you know, yeah, I’m changing my opinions on the subject.” He turned to look at me grinning and I did the same. 

“Wow,” I said, “You’re, like, soooo in love with me,” I said in my best Valley girl voice which caused him to roll his eyes and make a loud, “UGH,” in the car but I wouldn’t let up. “You like, SOOO wanna be with me and like, stuff, it’s so totally bitchin’, I’m so sure,” I laughed and tried to continue but he had unbuckled his seat belt and lunged at me from across the seat kiss me. If his plan was to shut me up and shut down the conversation, mission accomplished because, once he broke away, I had forgotten everything we’d just been talking about for, at least, a second. I leaned back and smiled as he wiped the side of his lips and smirked. “Night Riley,” he said as he left my car and left me in a pool of goop. Guh, that man. 

…..

Shermer, IL – End of April 1993

The last few months had been absolutely wonderful. I’d managed to keep my job at NMZD and had done a couple more shows with some local indie bands. The Cure interview was one of the highest selling editions we had ever sold, which brought me a little bit more money and opened the door for more high profile interviews.   
Dad’s health seemed to be okay, despite a scare we had at the beginning of March that put him in the hospital for a week but, for the most part, he was ok and was back at home playing Rummy with Ma. She was good too and she’d really warmed up to the idea of Bender and I being a couple. As far as Dad and Bender were concerned, the two of them were like old friends and it was cute to see the two of them watching movies as Ma and I would put lunch together. 

Bender still worked at Mike’s but got a little bit of a raise, which was nice. If he wasn’t at work, he was, more than likely, with me or taking care of his mother, who was put in the hospital in January with pneumonia. She was going to be ok, but the high medical costs definitely took a toll on Bender. Mike was able to give him a couple side jobs so, eventually, he was able to make enough money to pay them off. (That, and I gave Mike money to give him because, when I had offered my help, he refused saying, “You got your own debts to pay.”) Otherwise, we were happy and got closer as each day passed. Yes, I think I could say that I was finally happy.

….

“You busy,” Allison asked in a hurried tone. Not really how I wanted to be woken up on a Saturday, but I’ll bite.

“No, why,” I asked in a voice deeper than usual as I had just woke up. I sighed as I saw the time-quarter to 10- and grunted before I heard Allison say, “We’re getting married at the courthouse and we need witnesses. You and John available?” I felt like I got slapped in the face and was immediately alert.

“I’m sorry, what,” was all I could get out.

“I said that Andy and I are heading to the court house to get married and we were wondering if you and Bender were available to be our witnesses.” She was so calm and here I am, freaking out. I looked to my side and remembered that not only had John not slept over but he actually had work today. I told Allison that I’d call John at the shop to see if he could head over at lunch, to which she said, “That’d be perfect. See you later!” 

I called Bender who said he’d be able to get out and would meet me at the courthouse. I called Allison back to let her know. “Great, can you come to the house now?   
Bring something black,” she said. Typical, I thought and asked her if I should grab something for Bender to wear. She said just a suit coat and a tie would be find, “We’ll take care of the rest. HURRY!”

I jumped in the shower really quick and ran downstairs to the hall closet to grab one of my Dad’s suit coats and a tie. “Berta,” I heard my Dad ask and I turned to see him in his chair. “Oh, Charlie! Hey, can you get your ol’ Pop some coffee?” It kind of threw my off as he hadn’t seen Berta since Christmas but I brushed it off and did as he asked. “Where’s mom,” he asked just as she was coming up the stairs with a basket of laundry. “Right here, sheesh. Gone for two seconds-Charlie, did you get your father coffee?” 

“I did, I said as I ran back upstairs and threw a bunch of junk-makeup, tooth brush, tooth paste, hair crap, a dress, shoes, panty hose, etc-into a suitcase before letting   
Ma know what was going on, and I ran out to the car. While still on the cooler side, the snow had finally let up in Shermer, and the grounds were green again. I drove like a bat out of hell to Allison’s house to help her get ready. Andy, who was leaving when I pulled up, let me know that he couldn’t see her in her dress so he was headed to grab something to eat and would meet us there. I gave him a hug and ran into the house. 

“Allison,” I shouted and heard her answer from the back of the house. I walked back there and was shocked to see her not dressed in her usual black ensemble.   
Instead, she wore a white lace gown that seemed to tighten under her breasts and flow outward to the ground, her pregnant belly sticking out under the fabric. She did, however, have a black choker on and her hair loosely braided with little black flowers stuck in it. When she turned to face me, I wanted to cry, she looked so beautiful. When I told her she blushed and said, “Thanks,” in a real small voice before turning back to the mirror. 

“Could you do my makeup,” she asked and I obliged but asked if I could at least put my dress on first. I decided to go with a rather simple yet form fitting black dress with some gold glitter pumps I picked up at a co-op last time I was in the city. I also did my hair in a loose braid and, as I sat to do Allison’s makeup, she took one of her flowers from her hair and put it in mine. She smiled and said, “Perfect.” I thanked her and smiled back. 

“So, have you got everything-The whole, ‘something old, new, borrowed and blue’?” I asked as I put some foundation on her face.

“Well, the dress and veil are new, and the flowers are old, from my high school days,” she said, closing her mouth as I patted some powder on her face. “Looks like I need something borrowed and blue.” I thought for a moment before remembering I had brought an extra pair of earrings so I gave them to her and she loved them. 

“Now all we need is something blue,” I said and Allison thought for a second before snapping her fingers together. “I got it. Go in the closet there and, the shoebox on the left, can you pull that down for me? And, do you have a safety pin?”

…..

When we pulled up, I saw Bender standing around outside smoking a cigarette. At least he managed to leave his jumpsuit back to the shop. When Allison and I got out of the car, Bender grinned and walked to the door to, I assume, let Andy know we were there and to get ready. When he turned back, Bender immediately noticed the large blue wrestling patch Allison had pinned to the front of her dress-the same patch she had stolen from his jacket after the now infamous detention where they had met. He helped her up the stairs and kissed her on the cheek before telling her how nice she looked. 

He opened the door for us, pinching my ass as I walked past him to which he received a glare. Allison waited as I gave Bender his tie and suit coat and he handed me and Allison two small bouquets of flowers and boutonniere for his coat. I helped him pin it on and he whispered, “You look beautiful, cupcake.” 

“Stop,” I said in jest as I blushed and looked back at Allison who smiled like a proud mother at us. Motherhood, well pregnancy, seemed to suit her as she was positively glowing. Bender looked at his watch, “It’s time,” he said, holding it up and he walked a head of us, stopping at the door. “Alright, Andy told me to go in first.   
Count to 10, then come in, ok?” We nodded and he held his hand up. He opened the door and announced to Andy he was “COMIN’ IN,” before smiling at us and sneaking behind the wooden door. 

Now, only Allison and I stood out in the lobby. I locked my arm in with hers and she took a deep breath. I gently rubbed the arm that was locked in with mine and watched as she cried a little bit. “Are you ready?” She nodded but as I went to open the door, she stopped me. “Wait,” she said and I looked at her confused. “I wanna tell you something Andy told me about Bender.”


	7. Chapter 7

“Remember when we went to the show and, when we came back to my house, and Bender was there drunk?” I nodded as she continued to spill. “Well, he ran into Claire,” she swallowed some spit as she was talking really low and really quickly. “I guess she was in town and needed an oil change and she tried to get him to sleep with her, and he got all confused because he still had feelings for her but then, I guess she tried to make a move and he told her you guys were together and she said a bunch of just, really awful things about you. But he, he stood up for you, ended up leaving the shop and had someone else fix her car while he went to drink and then he went to your house, but your Mom told him you were with me, so he ended up at our place and he, oh Riley, he poured his heart out about you to Andy.” 

“Wh-why,” I started to ask and she turned to look at me for the first time since we started this little confessional session.

“Because, Charlie, you can’t leave him. I mean, I know you’re still up in the air because of your father and work but, if you leave him, he’s gonna fall apart. I’ve never seen him this happy, Riles. He is totally and hopelessly head over heels in love with you, don’t abandon that, ever. I mean, I’m sure that’s easy for me to say but, you make sacrifices for love, and if you feel half as much for him as he does for you,” and she started to cry.

“Hey,” I said looking to the side and, upon finding some, grabbed a tissue to dry her eyes, “listen, you have to trust me when I say that this will work out.”

“I know, it’s just, UGH THESE HORMONES,” and we giggled. “Riley, he’s changing. I mean, he’s still Bender to everyone else, but, I dunno. I see how he looks at you; don’t let that go, ok?” Her words hit me like a Mac truck. I had been so stuck in the now that I hadn’t considered that inevitable future when I left Shermer and returned to California. “Alright,” she wiped one final tear from her face and turned to look at me, “How do I look?” 

“Gorgeous,” I smiled and opened the door to enter the courthouse.

…..

Bender and I stood at the front door of the courthouse waving away Andy and Allison who were headed to Chicago until Tuesday for their Honeymoon. 

“Well,” Bender sighed, “That was…”

“Fantastic? Intimate? Simple?” 

“Nice,” he said as he took his suit coat off and handed it to me. 

“You know what’s nicer?” And he turned as he undid the tie to hand back to me. I held up a set of keys, “I have to watch Allison and Andy’s place til Tuesday,” and I stared at him as a mischievous look spread across my face, which seemed to earn me that smirk that I love so much. Next thing I knew, he had snuck behind me and pulled me into him as I laughed and felt in my lower back just how excited he was at the idea of having a house to ourselves for the weekend. “I get off at 5,” he whispered as he nipped and my neck right under my earlobe causing me to turn around saw say, “play your cards right, maybe I’ll be getting off at 5:15?” I bit my lip and he growled at me before pulling me into him again. “You better quit, Cupcake,” and I stepped back from him with the same mischievous smile on my face. As I walked to the car, I made sure I threw a little bit more wiggle into my walk as I knew he would be watching. When I turned to get into the car, he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. “Was it good for you,” I asked as he flicked me off. 

I drove back home and talked to my Ma for a little bit and checked on Dad again before letting her know that I had to watch Allison’s house for the next couple days. 

“Just you, or you and Bender,” she asked. When I gave her an innocent look, she stuck her hip out and rolled her eyes. Yeah, she wasn’t buying it either. I had to laugh as she just shrugged it off and went back to her work. Why ask if you already know the answer Woman, I thought to myself. “Hey,” Ma stopped me before I went back upstairs, “Has Dad called you by a different name?” 

“He called out to Berta earlier, but when he saw my face, he called me Charlie. Why?” Ma sighed and looked at him in the living room from the counter in the kitchen. “I think I’m gonna take him to see the Doctor. He has been sleeping a lot lately and he has been referring to me as Donna all day.” Donna was Dad’s oldest sister who had been gone for a while now. 

“What does that mean, you’re gonna take him in,” I asked.

“Something is telling me to take him in to see his Doctor,” and she saw the scared look in my eyes, like I was 5 years old. “Oh Honey, it’s probably nothing. It’ll be ok.”   
She said as she pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head. “I wanted to ask how Allison looked today. You look very pretty yourself.” So I told her how the ceremony went all the while thinking about everything Allison had said to me prior to us entering the court room. I asked her if she was 100% sure that Dad would be alright and she said she’d be fine but I left her with the number at Allison’s just in case. I kissed Dad goodbye and he said he’d see me later with a kiss on the cheek and a wink.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUTTY SMUT AHEAD!

Seeing as this was really going to be the first time Bender and I stayed in a place by ourselves, I figured I’d do something special and cook dinner. Plus, I had a few hours to kill, so why not? I chose spaghetti and meatballs and even managed to bake a cake and frost it all before he walked through the door at 5:05. Apparently, he sped home-wonder why? I smirked. When he came in, he shouted “Honey, I’m home,” and sounded just like Ward Cleaver. I heard him go into the dining room and remark about how everything smelled good. “Well, good, because I can tell you that this is not an everyday thing, so don’t start, GAH!” 

Before I could finish my little entrance, which I had practiced, Bender had grabbed me and ran down the hall. “Bedroom,” was all he said and I pointed at the guest bedroom. As soon as we had gotten in there, he shut the door and pushed me up against it. He threw his coat off onto the floor and moved back to kiss me, all the while gliding his hand up my thigh. A playful grin spread across his face when he found that I had chosen to forego the underwear, and he dropped to his knees. He requested I “spread ‘em,” before lifting one of my legs onto his shoulder for balance. I made a loud squeek as he stuck his tongue into my entrance before putting more focus on my clit. As I writhed against the door fighting to bite back any moans, he continued to lap at my clit, eventually adding in his fingers for extra pleasure. With a flick of his tongue, I saw stars and I wanted to melt into a pile of goo on the floor. As I rode out the waves of my orgasm, he stood up proudly and wiped his mouth before kissing me again, which, in tasting my juices, aroused me even more. I managed to push him away onto the bed and removed my dress. I stood there looking down at him in nothing but my stockings and high heels. “This isn’t fair,” I said in a sort of pouty way and he smirked. 

“How do you suggest we fix that, cupcake?” 

I sauntered over to him and pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor. Next, I asked he kick his shoes off before I unbuckled his pants. Once that was done, I unbuttoned his jeans and pulled everything down to the floor, his member basically saluting me in the process. Instead of standing back up, I figured I’d surprise him. I maintained eye contact as I licked his shaft from the base all the way to the tip, swirling my tongue over it before taking in as much of him as I could. 

While I never minded giving him a blow job, I was always afraid that, if I took him in too deep, I’d gag and throw up all over him, and that thought really harbored my   
performance, but I tried to work past it. I could hear him moaning and he gently massaged my scalp and I rotated sucking and licking his cock. As I began to pick up a rhythm, I heard his breath hitch and he told me to stop. I looked at him confused but, in one swift motion, he had me up and against the wall, his dick positioned at my entrance, teasing my clit with the head of his member. 

“Tell me what you want,” he rasped and I could feel the wetness between my legs increasing.

“Fuck me,” I purred, “Hard.” Just as I had commanded, he thrust into me with all his might causing me to call out his name. Then, he pulled himself out and slammed into me again and again and he repeated this until we found the familiar rhythm and I felt myself on the edge. He thrust himself into me one final time and I came undone all over again. He wasn’t too far behind and we just stood against the wall for a second before moving over to the guest bed, flopping ourselves against the cool covers.

“Jesus,” he breathed as he got up to grab his jacket off the floor. He looked around for some kind of makeshift ashtray and ended up going to the kitchen to grab a cup. When he came back in, he had grabbed my cigarettes too and as we lay there in post-coital bliss, dragging on our cigarettes, Bender looked to me and said, “Can we do that every day? Please?” I had to laugh and he turned onto his side to face me. “I mean it, Cupcake. I wanna do that with you every day for the rest of my life.” 

When I saw the look on his face, I too shifted to my side. “What are you saying Bender? Are you like, proposing to me butt-ass naked in the guest room of our friend’s place?” He pondered for a moment and laid back on his back. “It was a thought,” he casually threw out there trying to change the subject.

“No, I mean really. Don’t change the subject,” I said in a stern tone. He sighed and said, “Now’s a good a time as any, and that shit that went down with Andy and   
Allison got me thinking. Why not?”

As I lay there next to him, my mind began to race again. “Don’t let that go, ok?” Allison’s voice rang in my head as I watched the smoke from my cigarette make swirls in the ceiling, it’s smell mingling with the smell of sex and sweat, a rather intoxicating aroma. I wasn’t sure what the future held for me, or if it was even in Shermer still. Who knew how long I was gonna stick around after…

I didn’t wanna think about it. I didn’t wanna think about any of it right now. 

“Well,” Bender asked as he lightly drew circles on my lower abdomen. “Whatta you say? Wanna make an honest man outta me?” He smirked and I felt like I was the most evil bitch in the entire universe. 

“Can I,” I sighed, “can I think about it?” Bender sat up and looked as if I’d socked him in the face, hurt turning into defensive anger. “Bender, it’s not you, ok, I want to be with you,”

“Then do it, Cupcake.”

“Then what, Bender? What happens after-what happens when it’s time for me to leave again?”

“So, don’t leave.” I scoffed at his words.

“I fucking hate Shermer, are you kidding me? Some of the absolute worst moments of my life took place here. I was bullied and teased for most of my life here. If it wasn’t for Brian and Allison, I’d have had no fucking friends in high school AT ALL. You really think I like being here day in and day out with that daily reminder of how much I was disliked here?” Bender sat up and locked eyes with me.

“You’re a fucking hypocrite,” he shook his head and got up to start getting dressed.

“Excuse me,” I asked incredulously.

“You heard me, you’re a fucking hypocrite. You’re sitting here tell me, ‘Oh, I wanna get to know you, John, just you. I’m not like the other girls, trust me,’ and telling me not to live in the past when, clearly, that’s all you’re doing.”

“You don’t know what kinda bullshit I went through in-“

“They teased you cause you were fat, right? Made fun of you cause you were poor? Is that it? That’s all? Then you sit here and tell me how much you don’t like being reminded of your past? Day in and day out, I go home to the same fucking house I’ve lived in since I was kid, you know, where my father would beat my mother, my siblings, and me? You really think I like that reminder every fucking day? What about the reminders I get daily whenever people find out who my Dad is, Cupcake, huh? Shit, when they hear my fucking name. HUH? So, excuse you? Excuse the fuck outta me. See, you don’t know what kinda bullshit I went through in high school, and don’t even pretend like you do, because you don’t, Ok? You weren’t there in my head when that fucking bitch of a Cherry made me, fucking John Bender, feel like a goddamn fool in front of the school.” His face was beat red and his nostrils flared and I could feel my eyes fill with tears. “You have a mother and father who care for you and friends who didn’t fucking abandon you and a man,” and he stopped. There was a lump in my throat because I knew what was happening. I had seen him emotional but not to the brink of tears and he tried really hard to hold them back but I could see the drops escape as he stood there with his clothes in his hands. He finally looked away from me with a disgusted look on his face. “I can’t even look at you,” he said and I started to sob. I ran back into the bedroom to put on some clothes but by the time I came back into the living room, he was gone. 

He was absolutely right. I was a hypocrite and an asshole and all I could do in that moment was collapse to the floor and cry. And then the phone rang,…and my world changed.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the sad chapter...you've been warned

I was able to meet Berta outside the hospital just as she had pulled up. Together, we took the elevator up to the ICU and met Ma who was calm, but we could tell she had been crying. “I’ve never seen him in so much pain. Girls, he’s in so much pain,” she said and Ma grasped onto Berta, crying into her shoulder as I walked into the room. Dad had been attached to a more industrial sized oxygen unit and his breathing was very labored. “What happened?” I asked as a Doctor made her way around me to check vitals. 

“His treatment hasn’t been helping as much as we had hoped and the new medicine has only sped up the inevitable.”

“What. Does. That. mean,” I asked slowly and through gritted teeth, trying my best to hold myself together.

“We’ve done what we could, but, it’s time.” I could Berta whisper a, “no. nonono,” into Ma’s shoulder and Ma shh’d her and soothed her with her humming. 

“You mean, there’s nothing more you can do for him,” I asked and the Doctor nodded. Berta continued to fall apart behind me as I stared at my father, who lay comatose on the hospital bed before me. I moved forward a few steps before turning back to my mother. “Ma, what happened?”

“I took him into the ER and they said his BP was severely low so they transferred him here and he started clawing at the walls saying he was in pain. I told them to do something and they put him in the coma-“

“You DID THIS TO HIM,”I screamed at the Doctor who moved forward to calm me down but I backed away from her. “Charlotte, he was in pain. I just, I’ve never seen him like that and I asked for mercy.”

I stood over his frail body, my eyes swollen with tears as I tried to remember every piece of him. His smile, the way his eyebrows were all bushy and he had that one, out of place hair that used to drive me so crazy that I’d pluck it; I tried to remember the way his hair parted, and the scar on his forehead. As I watched him try desperately to breathe, which would make his entire body jerk each time he exhaled, I thought about everything we had talked about since I was a little girl. I remembered us watching cartoons and playing with my toys, and I remembered how he’d help me get ready for school in the morning and how he was the one who dropped me off and picked me up every day. I remembered talking to him about how stupid boys were and about stuff I had learned in school. I remembered the late night chats we’d have over what seemed like endless bowls of soup or the number of Rummy games we used to play. I remembered watching movies with him and listening to him spout out all of this seemingly useless trivia about the actors or other things and thinking he was the smartest man in the universe, the strongest man in the universe. And here he lay, defeated and broken. I turned to my mother and sister and gave my blessing before exiting the room. 

I knew he was in pain and I knew he’d been keeping it from Ma, Berta, and probably me to an extent for quite some time now, but that didn’t make this any less hard. I waited, biting the cuticles of my thumb until I heard the loud beep of the machines being unplugged. I continued to listen to monitor continue to beat for another 5 minutes before it became one long constant sound and I fell to the floor, sobbing. 

He was gone.

My best friend, my dad….gone.

…..

Berta said she’d stay with Ma and asked if I would be okay back at Andy and Allison’s. I told her Bender was there, I lied. I had reached the point where I had cried so much that I was numb and could care less about anything at that point, because it felt like all I cared about was gone within the span of an hour. I drove home in silence and let myself into the dark house. It still smelled faintly of spaghetti and my stomach instantly turned sour. I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could and threw up what little contents I had in my stomach. After what felt like an eternity of dry heaving, I sat against the toilet bowl and screamed and cried. 

There are no words to describe that loss. None, and don’t ever let anyone tell you when or how to deal with your grief. 

For about an hour, I didn’t move. I felt like, maybe if I didn’t move, I couldn’t fuck anything up anymore. I had fucked up with Bender and I should’ve told my Ma about Dad getting worse. I mean, I didn’t know but I saw the man every day. Why didn’t I notice him declining sooner? Why hadn’t I said something then? Why didn’t I say “love you” to him more? Why didn’t I do more? After a while, I didn’t know who I was talking about anymore, it all blurred together and it hurt. I felt as if I’d been hit by a truck.

I managed to stand up and brush my teeth as the vomit smell was really starting to get to me. I ended up changing my shirt before grabbing the cup Bender and I had been ashing in and brought with me into the kitchen. The romantic place setting I had prepped earlier disgusted me and I pushed the plate away, putting the ashing cup and my pack of cigarettes in its place. I turned to look in the liquor cabinet and found a bottle of Jack. I opened it, reminding myself that I was probably going to need to replace it, and grabbed a tumbler. 

I had already had a couple tumblers and I felt pretty toasty when I heard the door open. I thought, or hoped more like it, that I had just slept and drank myself into Tuesday, but no such luck. I remained seated as I waited for the intruder to come around the corner into the kitchen. When I saw him, my throat clenched up and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to cry, but holding it in made my head pound as if it was being hit with a hammer. I went to get up but fell to the floor into a fetal position and sobbed. I hadn’t noticed when he dropped to the floor and pulled me to him, cradling my head like an infant, and “shhing” me when I rambled.

“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry,” I sobbed into his jacket; I screamed and punched him and he took it, never wavering his iron grip around my body. He began to rock me back and forth, all while whispering how everything was going to be alright. The last thing I remember was telling him I loved him before I passed out completely.

….

When I woke up, I felt heavy. My head hurt and my entire body felt like it had died with my Dad the night before. I remembered drinking and smoking myself into a stupor before someone came here last night. I suddenly became hyper aware of where I was and that there was another presence in the room with me. I turned slowly to see Bender, still fully clothed, his arm wrapped about my midsection. I looked at the clock on the side table and, seeing it was still early morning, I thought about taking a shower or, at least going to the bathroom. When I sat up, I did it too quickly and ended up grabbing the trash can next to the bed to throw up. As I sat there, I felt a pair of strong hands massaging the back of my neck. As I leaned into the massage, I could feel the tears well up again and just sat in silence for a moment. 

Looking down at my clothes, he had given me a shower and put new clothes on me. It seemed he also managed to put my hair up as well.   
I waited to see if he’d say something or do something, anything, but he simply massaged my neck as I sat on the bed and cried. This was not what I wanted to be doing this weekend, I thought rather selfishly. I got up slowly and Bender was at my side, holding my hand as he escorted me to the bathroom. I told him he didn’t have to follow me in there, so he stood outside as I shut the door. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror-God I looked like shit warmed over and served on toast. After going to the bathroom, I brushed my teeth, and opened the door to meet Bender again.

“Coffee,” I said in a hoarse whisper, and he nodded, grabbing my hand again and escorting me into the kitchen, sitting me down at the table where I had tried to drown my sorrows the night before, and now free of the Jack Daniels bottle. I reached over for my cigarettes and found a majority of them gone, save for maybe one or two. I sighed before another unopened pack fell in front of me. I looked up but Bender had moved back over to the sink to make coffee. He looked in the fridge and pulled out two containers from Skip’s that he had to have just bought as they were still kind warm-this was evident by the condensation in the lid’s interior. As he put the breakfast food onto plates and into the microwave to warm them up, me made us some toast, and before I knew it, I had a full breakfast in front of me. We still hadn’t said much to each other as we ate, but he watched me like a hawk. 

The coffee tasted like liquid gold, and while I had my doubts about the breakfast, the greasiness of it seemed to actually settle my stomach. As I stared at the steam rising from my coffee cup, I listened to Bender chew his toast. I reached over and lit another cigarette. 

“You gonna watch me all day,” I asked, still hoarse but my voice was a little bit louder. Bender looked at me and continued to chew. It was a Sunday, so he didn’t have work and I assumed that this was his plan.

“I want to talk to you,” He said and I immediately felt a mixture of anger and sickness come over my entire body. I whispered a no, but Bender wouldn’t let up. “Just listen to me, ok?” When I looked at him, I noticed the bloodshot eyes and the bags under them. He looked just as pale and sickly as I did and my heart sank with guilt. 

“I know what you’re gonna say, John, and I want you to know that you were right. I am a hypocrite and an asshole.” I sighed as I ashed into the glass. “I don’t know what I want to do. There’s nothing that I’d want more than to be with you, but I also don’t want to be here. Now that Dad’s gone though, there’s a part of me that never wants to leave here because I feel like, if I do, I’d be leaving him,” I feel the tears roll down my cheek as I stared at the floor, “I can’t leave him, John. Look what happens when I do,” and I sobbed quietly as I took another drag from my cigarette. “but, I need my job. I worked so fucking hard to get that job. If I leave it, I’ll never be able to forgive myself. I feel like I’ve been pulled in so many different directions for so long that I think I’ve snapped. I’m so broken, I don’t know what I want anymore. I just, I don’t want to be alone. I’m sorry I hurt you, John. I never wanted to hurt you. I feel like everyone expects to me make a decision right now when they don’t realize that that decision is a matter of my livelihood. I don’t even wanna think about it right now. What I know right now is that tomorrow, I have to go with my mother and sister and pick out a small wooden box to house my father’s ashes in before calling the church and setting up for a memorial service. I also know that I don’t want to be alone.” I looked up to finally meet his gaze. 

He sat there staring at me, tears rolling down his face, and I watched as he got up and kneeled before me, resting his head in my lap and as I cradled his head and cried.

….

A majority of that Sunday was spent doing absolutely nothing but laying around watching old movies and talking. Well, talking or crying, which is what I felt like I did for most of the day. Bender, who had been really wonderful as held listened to me ramble and held me, seemed to have reached a breaking point by the evening. 

“That’s it,” he said and he lifted me off of him so he could stand up. I looked at him really hurt and confused, not too sure of what was about to happen. “Riles, I can’t sit here and listen to you cry anymore. I mean, I know you’re sad and you’ve every right to be but I knew your Dad too, and you know he’d want you to be smiling and crackin’ jokes, not moping around feelin’ sorry for yourself. So, I happened to have something that might cheer you up, if only a little bit.” I watched as he walked over to his trench coat pocket and pull out a small baggie and a small box of rolling papers. “Riley, you owe me a doobage session,” and he smiled at me. I looked from him to the bag and back to him before I nodded in agreement.

That flash from the parking lot came back, which made me smile a little bit. I owed him one, he was right about that and while I normally don’t condone the use of substances, due to the current situation I was in, I just wanted to not be sad anymore. Plus, I’m in no position to judge anyone or their habits. What I knew was that my head was pounding and my eyes looked like I had been punched. I had never cried so much in my life and I felt like there was no end to my sadness. Bender was quick to roll the joint and took a hit before holding it in front of me.

“Now, Cupcake,” he said as he held the smoke of the joint in his lungs, “What you wanna do is take a hit and hold it for, eh, we’ll say a count of five and,” and then he exhaled all the smoke in one long stream through his mouth. It looked incredibly sexy. “Then you blow it out. S’real easy,” he said before taking a second hit. “Here,” and he held it out to me. I grabbed the pinched end and inhaled as it if were a cigarette which was probably the worst idea I had all day because I immediately started coughing, the smoke from the joint pooling all around my face. Bender chuckled as he waved the smoke away from my face. 

“No, aww,” he said as I looked to him with a pout, “Riles, I’m sorry, don’t take a drag like a cigarette. Not now, anyway,” and he instructed to “lightly” take a drag. It took a bit but I eventually got the hang of it and even started to enjoy it. 

Once it was finished, the two of us sat in silence, watching the waves of smoke travel throughout the house. “Allison’s gonna be so pissed,” I said, breaking the silence. Bender looked to me and back forward again before starting to giggle. I turned to him and smiled before giggling myself. 

“She ever tell you about that detention? You know, where we met and shit?” Bender said amidst fits of laughter. I nodded and he shifted his whole body to face me, full of excitement at the story he was about to tell. “About half way through the day, we all were tired of being in that fucking library, so we snuck out to roam the halls and score my doobage. So, we get it, and of course, we fucking run into Vernon.”

“Did he see you?”

“Nope,” he said, “So we like, ran through the halls, dodging him and trying to get back to the library until we hit this dead end in the north hall-by the trophy cases?” I   
nodded to show I knew where he was talking about and he continued. “SO, I tell them, ‘go back, I’ll distract him,’ and I created this diversion to lure Vernon to the gym so they could get back to the library. And when Vernon found me,” he laughed and leaned back proudly, “Jesus, he was so fucking pissed. I thought he was gonna blow a gasket or somethin’, it was beautiful. Course, he locked me in the closet after that,” and here he stopped and his face changed into anger. “Fucking prick,” and he punched the arm of Andy and Allison’s couch. I wasn’t too sure what happened and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to ask, so I touched his leg to bring him back to me from his lost train of thought. When I touched him, he turned to me again and shook the hair out of his face, which seemed to change his mood again. “Anyway, I got out-loose ceiling tile-and ended up back in library with the rest of those delinquents.” I had to laugh. Allison only told me a little bit about what happened but it was interesting to hear another perspective. “Oh! I forgot, I put my doobage in Johnson’s underwear,” and by now, I was rolling with laughter. “Yeah, and when Vernon said something about my dope, I told him, ‘Impossible, Sir, it’s in Johnson’s underwear,’ and the look on Dork’s face!” He too was in hysterics, “And Vernon? NO fucking idea what the fuck was going on, not a fucking clue!” 

We continued to laugh and I hoped I could remember to ask Brian about this because that’s hysterical. Bender tried to catch his breath to finish the story, which for a split second, I thought might prove impossible, but he did it. “So,” and he took a beat to catch his breath, “So, I come back, get my shit from Johnson, and we all get high. Well, Reynolds doesn’t but the rest of us did. And Andy, he’s all like, ‘you’re not gonna light up in here, wasteoid’ but then he’s all, ‘lemme score some,’ so, being the gentleman that I am, I gave him some and he went into one of those audio rooms and smoked the fuck outta the place. Ended up breaking the glass door. I mean, he went fucking crazy with energy.”

“Wait,” I said trying to pick Andy as this ball of energy and, for some reason, I pictured him dancing like Kevin Bacon in Footloose. You know, the part when he’s in the barn? Yeah. “Brian got high too?”

“You kidding, Dork was hilarious.” Bender laughed as he remembered it.

“What about Claire?” And he turned to look at me and asked, “What about her?” 

“No, I mean, you said Allison was the only one who didn’t get high, which meant Claire did. So, what was she like?” And Bender thought about it for a moment before answering, “Pretentious, but she was cute.”

“John,” I asked and his body shifted knowing exactly what was coming next, “What really happened between you and Claire?” He sighed and grabbed a cigarette from his pack lying on the coffee table in front of us. He lit it and took a real deep drag before exhaling the smoke through his nostrils. He shook his head to move the hair that had fallen in front of his face before starting his story. 

“I dunno, she was cute and seemingly very unattainable given her status as the ‘Prom Queen,’” and he actually did the air quotes. “You know me, Riles. She thought her shit didn’t stink, so I gave her as much shit as possible to knock her down off her pedestal. Her and Sporto, actually. Well, you remember how they were.”

“I just remember Claire. I met Andy after he started dating Allison,” and I sighed remembering that Monday when Allison tried to say “hi” to Claire and she tore her up and just, how mean her and her friends were to me. Bender nodded.

“Well, once she was broken down a bit, she came around. I mean, I wanted her, wanted to bang her-I’m a guy, it’s what we think about-but did I actually think it was gonna happen? Anyway, she kept bitching about how her parents used her to get back at each other and I thought I’d be outstanding in that department, you know, helping her get back at them. What better way to stick it to your rich preppy Country Club parents then showing up with the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks?   
That Sunday was great ‘cause she brought me to some brunch thing with her parents and, I mean, she and I were practically fucking in front of her parents-we were actually asked to leave,” he laughed as he remembered. “Then we hung out the rest of the night, fooled around a bit, and said good night, and, the next day at school, she basically did what she said she was gonna do and either played nice nice to the rest of our face or just ignored us. Or, if you were me, she made me feel like a complete fucking moron in front of my friends and shit, like nothing ever happened. She used me,” he sighed and shook his head again. “Can’t say I’m surprised Get whatcha give, right? I dunno,” he said as he dropped his cigarette into the glass, creating a sizzle sound as the lit portion met the water.

I just sat and watched him go through an array of emotions as he remembered her. “So, now you kinda get why I went off on her in detention. That had been the first time I had spoken to her in, shit, a year? I saw her again after graduation, but she used me that time too. Then I saw her again a couple months ago.” This was the time Allison had mentioned the day before when we were standing in the lobby outside the court room where she and Andy got married. I wanted to say I knew, but instead, I let him continue. “She came in with her fucking ridiculously expensive car for an oil change, said she was in town visiting her folks, and she said she missed me. Hmm,” he said before he bit his lip. “It wasn’t the ideal reunion she had hoped for, I think. She talked about hooking up and, I mean, I know we, you and I, had that fight a week before this particular incident, but I told her I was with you. I dunno why I said that but I did, and you know, it felt good. It felt right to say that, that I was with you but Claire? She was furious. ‘That fucking fat slob of a human being?’” He made his voice a little higher when impersonating Claire. I can’t say I wasn’t hurt by what he was telling me, but I’m certainly not surprised. “She was,” and he shook his head not sure if he should continue but I shrugged. 

“Just tell me what she said, Bender.”

“She went on about how unhappy she was and that you couldn’t please me like she could. She pulled out everything she could to sway me from you, really. We never really slept together, despite what you may have heard,” he said. That was surprising as I could name a handful of girls he had slept with in high school, but I believed him. “I think that’s what she wanted. We certainly fooled around a lot but, after that first time that Monday, I wasn’t about to,” and he trailed off. “So, she went off and I got in her face and Leo stepped in and told me to go while he finished up her car and I went drinking. I realized I had really fucked up things with you and I needed to talk to you, to apologize and just,” he sighed. “ I went to go find you but you weren’t at your house. Your Ma said you were at Allison’s but when you weren’t there, Andy told me you guys were on your way back, so I hung around and, you know the rest.”   
There was silence for a moment before any one of us spoke again. In the silence, I just thought about everything we’d been through together, high school and now, and sighed. There was a weird sense of comfort and understanding in the silence and the two of us just sat back and reveled in it. I grabbed a cigarette and lit it, taking a long drag and exhaling slowly. He turned to look at me and grinned which made me blush and I smiled. “What,” I asked shyly but he shook his head as if to say “nothing.” There was another moment of silence before the phone ring. I answered it and it was Ma letting me know about all the arrangements for the memorial, where we were meeting to choose an urn, and other things like that. You know, just another time when, in a moment of bliss, life storms through the door and punches you in the gut again, knocking you down a few notches. I hung up the phone and made my way back to the couch, Bender looking concerned and inquisitive as I took a seat next to him. I put my head on his shoulder and he responded with a kiss on the top of my head. “What time tomorrow,” he asked.  
“9. Everything is always at 9. I’ll never understand it, why do people think that’s not early?”

“It isn’t, you know. 9 is like, that perfect time between really early and super late.” I moved my head from his shoulder to turn and look at him. “What,” he asked as he grinned, “it is.” I shrugged and placed my head back on his shoulder. “You hungry,” he asked. 

“Starved,” I replied and he laughed. 

“It’s the weed. Pizza ok?” I nodded and he gently moved me from his shoulder to get up and use the phone to order pizza. When he finished, he came back to his spot and pulled me back, this time onto his lap. “You’re gonna be ok, Cupcake. You’re a tough broad.” I had to laugh at his choice of words. 

“Thanks, Bender. I think we’re gonna be ok.” There was a beat before I think he realized what I had meant by “we.” He pulled me away from him so he could look into my face and studied it as I smiled. When he finally understood, his eyes got really wide and he cupped my jaw with one of his hands. “Are you,” he asked, “are you like,” and I nodded. He moved closer to my face not moving his hand. “So, you’re gonna stay?” I nodded and, as his lips brushed against mine he said, “so, will-“ and I nodded as he placed his forehead against mine and moaned into a chuckle. “Yes,” I smiled. “I mean, I guess so,” and, after a beat, he poked me in my side and began to tickle me as he mocked my response. “Oh, ‘I guess so,’ what do you mean ‘I guess so,’” and before I knew it, he had pinned me to the couch. 

As he hovered over me, I reached up and cupped his face with my hands and brought him in for a soft kiss, first on the lips and then on his nose, causing him to smile. 

“I love you,” he said.

“I love you,” I whispered.


	10. Chapter 10

EPILOGUE OF SORTS

The week of Dad’s memorial was a complete blur. We managed to make all the arrangements for that Wednesday which meant Andy and Allison were able to make it. Bender remained by my side through the entire process and Leo and Mike were really understanding, allowing him to miss a few hours here and there to be with me even though I told him I’d be okay without him there; he wouldn’t hear of it.  
Many people came to my Dad’s memorial, friends and family, and it was a beautiful and humorous ceremony with a pot luck that followed. It was truly humbling to see the love and generosity of so many people that it warmed my heart. There are no other words to describe it. After about of week, life slowly began to get back to normal. Berta went back to the city and Ma and I talked about what we wanted to do with the house. Considering they had paid it off a few years back, she considered maybe selling it.

“I want to get something smaller,” she said. “I don’t want to be stuck in this house all by myself after you go back to California.” What she hadn’t known was how I, after a lot of haggling with Mindy, was able to permanently get transferred to Chicago. 

“Chicago has a rich musical history anyway and I couldn’t think of a better field reporter,” Mindy sighed into the receiver, “but I’m gonna miss the hell out of you.” 

“Mindy, you can visit whenever you want, there’s a room for you.” 

“Ma, I want the house,” I said and she looked at me shocked. “I’ll give you the money to get an apartment or whatever, or you can stay if you want but, I’m gonna stay.” I smiled and I thought she was going to cry, she looked as if she’d positively burst with happiness. She got up from her side of the table and moved to hug me. “Thank you,” she said, “Thank you my sweet, sweet girl,” and she kissed the top of my head, rocking me back and forth not breaking our embrace. She stayed at the house a little while longer before finding a place in town that was “just the right size” for her. She absolutely loved it and went crazy redecorating her tiny apartment. I was happy to help. 

Our house, however, pretty much remained untouched after Dad passed; the book he had been reading before he died is still in my bathroom as we speak. Some may think that’s creepy, but I find it oddly comforting and, luckily for me, Bender doesn’t mind. We opted to not touch my parent’s room but remodeled Berta’s room. I think that was mainly out of spite, though. I love my sister dearly, but if the opportunity arises to fuck with her, I’m gonna take it, it’s what siblings do. 

In June, Allison had a beautiful baby boy that she named Charles John, CJ for short, which I thought was incredibly sweet of her to do. From the moment he arrived, that child was a pistol and it was really cute to see this new side of Allison and Andy. They were going to be fantastic parents. What I hadn’t taken into consideration was how it was going to affect Bender. One night, when he and I were at Allison and Andy’s house babysitting a few months after CJ was born, I walked in on Bender holding him and rocking him to sleep in the corner. He was softly humming, “Crystal Ship,” by the Doors, which was an odd choice, I thought, but it was one of the most beautiful moments I had ever witnessed. He hadn’t noticed me leaning in the doorway right away. As I leaned into the frame, arms crossed, and a grin playing across my face, I heard him say, without looking up from the baby, “I want one.” 

I smiled, being the only one with the knowledge of the child growing inside me. I shrugged and thought, no time like the present.

“Ok,” I said and he looked up at me with a confused look on his face. He squinted his eyes at me to study my face and I nodded a “yes.” His eyes got really wide and he stood up, placed the now sleeping baby in his crib, and walked over to me. “Don’t fuck with me,” he warned playfully, “are you-“ and he pointed his finger at my stomach, his gaze following suit. I cupped his jaw with my hand to return his gaze back up to me and grinned. “’Fraid so,” and I let out a squeal as he pulled me from the door frame and swung me around before pulling me to him and kissing me. It was such a sweet moment, and then, in true Bender form, he thrust his left fist into the air. 

….

And cue “don’t you forget about me,” HA! Done.


End file.
